Let Me Let Go
by Melanie Geller
Summary: Home is where the heart is, but is the heart at home? And when the last one falls, who will let go? RR MC Please read and review! :) Chapter 11 update!
1. The art of letting go

A/N: Hi everyone! I don't really have much to say now cause I'm sick, but I really wanted to upload this. As some of you may have guessed, this is a R/R story. It's actually the first one that I've done that's NOT AU, so I'm curious to see how this goes. Here's a few things you need to know:  
  
1.) It's set in season four.   
  
2.) Ross and Emily are married and live in London.  
  
3.) Rachel never attended their wedding, and therefore Ross never said her name.  
  
4.) Monica and Chandler never happened...but I DO have plans for them! :)  
  
5.) Monica and Rachel still live together.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Friends characters, but if you want to make a sick girls day, then you can buy me them. ;) I also don't own Faith Hill's song, Let me Let go. I don't want that as much, but hey, I'm not saying no to it!  
  
Rachel could almost remember the last time she had felt happy. When she closed her eyes, the drab surroundings of her office cubicle seemed to evaporate into thin air. The noise of her co-workers going about their daily business became a mere hum in the background. She breathed in deep, letting the smell of flowers permeate the room and the colors of her new surroundings become vivid.   
  
Music was playing on the radio. The melody drifted aimlessly about in the air, melting in perfect harmony with the mood. Candles gave light to the setting, their twinkling flames dancing in rhythm with the music.  
  
The table was set for two. A place for her and one for him. Him-, the man that enchanted her dreams and haunted her nightmares. Him-her greatest love, and greatest loss. Him-the elusive stranger that she had known for a lifetime, yet felt a connection with during the last few years of her life. She sighed a painful sigh of longing remembrance and whispered his name. Ross.  
  
She let her subconscious drift back into her dream. His shy eyes met hers, and for a moment, their souls were no longer two, but one; binded together by the strongest force to ever cross the earth-Love.  
  
Love radiated off her skin in the form of a luminous glow; expressed in her face, skin, hair, and eyes. In Rachel's laughter, the melody of love blended in with the sweet release of harmonies like sincerity and trust.  
  
Trust was the foundation of their relationship, as it was for many before them and many to come. As their relationship was still in its infant phases, the foundation wasn't quite as strong as it could be, and would be, had it been given the time.  
  
It only took one chisel at the rock for the whole foundation to come tumbling down in a vicious avalanche of hurt, lies, and words unspoken.  
  
Then came the storm. The fires of rage built a barrier of burnt ashes between her and Ross. Occasionally, the ashes would scatter, helped along by a sweet summer wind that blew beside them. Hope of an end to the bitter storm would wave in the distance. Yet, then another storm would loom, this one even stronger than before. Finally, the ashes were swept away, and an end was in sight. Their relationship had ended, but they were able to settle with being close friends; both secretly hoping that it would once again develop into more. Sadly, larger obstacles were thrown in their path, and it never did.  
  
Rachel opened her eyes again, and her office came bursting back to life. She averted her eyes to the bland calendar hanging above her head.   
  
She gasped when she saw the date. March 6th-the anniversary of both the birth and death of her very soul. On March 6th, 1996, her romance with Ross had begun. The following year was the best one of her life. Her heart was overjoyed, and her love for him grew each day. She never knew that love could be that strong of a force...she never knew how much feeling her heart could possess for just one person. Rachel never even stopped for a split second to consider what her life would be like without his presence; an event she would come to terms with just one year later.   
  
Then, she had presumed that life without him by her side would be like a living Hell. A bitter laugh escaped her throat, and she muttered, "I was right."  
  
Wistfully, she gazed at the calendar. It had been two years since they had broken up, and now Ross was happily married and living in London with his wife of four months, Emily Waltham.  
  
Rachel felt her grip tighten around her coffee cup as Emily's face entered her mind. And to think that she had kindled the fire beneath their relationship, just so she herself could get out of a previous commitment.  
  
Most who knew them well would assume that Rachel felt more anger towards Chloe, the actual cause of the demise. Yet, it was Emily who made her heart bubble over with fury. For this reason, she didn't attend their wedding.  
  
Ross had moved to London to be with her. During the summers, he and Emily were to come stay in New York with Monica so Ross could visit Ben. In three months, they would make their first trip. That day would mark the first time Rachel would see Ross in a year.  
  
Rachel sighed and remembered once again how her life had once been more than a bottomless pit that she had helped dig. She turned back to work, trying to forget how good she had once had it.   
  
However, there was one thought that haunted her. It sat in the back of her mind on a little dusty shelf with other issues that she didn't want to resurface as of yet. Ironically, they all dealt with Ross. Looking back, she realized something. Ross had moved on, gotten married, and was living a life of dreams. And here she sat, the lone and quiet girl with a broken heart and a tainted soul. A single tear rolled down her cheek, but she brushed it away as soon as it came.  
  
Love left scars, this she knew. Scars would heal if they had the right treatment. With a look of pain crossing her flawless face, Rachel thought about her actions and their consequences during the past two years. As she looked back on what she had done during the time period when she was most depressed, she wondered if there was medicine for a broken heart.  
  
Her scars would never leave. They were visible, and haunted her by making her grieve over memories from happier times. For try as she might, Rachel couldn't find the strength inside her heart to give him up. Try as she might, she couldn't reach within the depths of her soul and release their memories together.   
  
She spent the most painful two years of her life unsuccessfully attempting to accomplish the impossible. She couldn't let him go...  
  
'I thought it was over, baby  
  
We said our goodbyes  
  
But I can't go a day without your face  
  
Goin' through my mind  
  
In fact, not a single minute  
  
Passes without you in it  
  
Your voice, your touch, memories of your love  
  
Are with me all of the time  
  
Let me let go, baby  
  
Let me let go  
  
If this is for the best  
  
Why are you still in my heart  
  
Are you still in my soul  
  
Let me let go'  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Let go, Ross!" Came the scream from his new wife, Emily.  
  
Together, they were unsuccessfully trying to put together an entertainment center in the living room of their new London flat.  
  
"What?" He grunted.  
  
"You've got to let go...of this," Emily managed to stammer out under the weight of the heavy piece of wood.  
  
"Ok, ok." The entertainment cabinet fell back and made a dent in the freshly painted wall.  
  
Emily shook her head and ruffled the top of Ross's hair. "You know, if I wasn't so in love with you, this would be a big problem."  
  
Ross grinned back at her, hardly believing that his life turned out so wonderful. "Yeah, I'm a pretty lucky guy."  
  
"So Ross, what are we going to do about this?"  
  
Ross was perplexed. "What? This? I think you lost me."  
  
Emily moved the entertainment center over to the left and showed him the gaping hole. "This hole that is sitting right in the middle of our living room."  
  
Ross moved in towards her. "Well, I think that we could start by leaving it for tomorrow and heading for the bedroom right now..."  
  
Emily groaned. "I know, but Ross, we can't just leave it sitting here. We have a hole in the middle of our home! Doesn't that bother you?"  
  
Between placing kisses along the sides of her neck and face, Ross grunted. "You are worse than Monica."  
  
"Oh my God! Monica!"  
  
"Actually, I'm Ross."  
  
"No, she called me like three hours ago, and I put her on hold. I told her I'd call her back, but I forgot." Emily stood up and shook her head. "I swear, I'm forgetting everything these days!"  
  
Ross sat alone on the floor. "Well, I guess my plans were just ruined." He got up and stood by the window as he heard Emily in the other room, looking for the phone.  
  
As a cool breeze fluttered through the curtains, Ross couldn't help but feel a pang of homesickness shoot through his heart. Sure, he loved Emily. He loved her enough that he moved across the world just to be with her. When she said London was her home and she would never leave, Ross knew ultimately he'd have to choose between her and his friends. When it came down to it, he was a sucker for love. He had always been the romantic type, and moving to another country all for love had seemed so...wonderful. Well, at the time it had.   
  
Now, Ross couldn't wait for the summer. He missed his friends; Joey, Phoebe, and Chandler. Monica called nearly twice a week, just to check up on her brother. The only one he hadn't heard from had been Rachel. In fact, he hadn't heard from her in over a year.  
  
'Wait a minute,' Ross thought. 'It's been exactly a year.' He leaned against the window frame and shook his head. It had been a year since he had last talked to her, two years since they had broken up, and three years since they had gotten together. 'So many significant events around the same time...I wonder what she's doing right now.'  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Finally. It was finally the end of the week, and Rachel was able to relax. In between her thoughts drifting, she had experienced a tiring day at work. Being able to step into her apartment she shared with Monica let her release a much needed sigh, and get ready for the weekend.  
  
Rachel tossed her purse on the table and opened the refrigerator, in search of anything containing alcohol. Right now, she needed to grieve over what she had lost. And that bottle seemed to stare her in the face. With a twist of the cap, she freed the beer from its confinements, and let the harsh, burning liquid soothe her memories. Just as she sat down, the phone rang.  
  
"Argh! Can't I sit for just one minute in peace?"  
  
She got up and tripped over a couch cushion on the floor. "God, can't anything go right today?" The phone was nearing its final ring when she picked it up and began her breathless routine speech. "Hello?"  
  
On the other line came a crackling noise, like the caller was reaching her from far away. Rachel wondered who it was, hoping it wasn't some sales call. Just then, a British accent drifted into her ear. It was a voice Rachel would recognize anywhere. Her jaw dropped and she groaned, wondering why today of all days she had to answer this call.  
  
Emily's voice asked the same question. "Hello? Is anyone there?"  
  
Rachel groaned again, and decided that she would just say hello and that she was in a hurry. "Hello, this is Rachel. Who is this?"  
  
On the other line, Emily smiled. She hadn't heard from Rachel in forever. The two of them had never been close, and Emily had always suspected Ross was why. What she didn't know was that Rachel had a strong hatred for her; a hatred that would only grow with time and conversations. Conversations much like the one they were about to have.  
  
"Hello, Rachel! It's Emily."  
  
Rachel feigned a happy tone. "Emily! How are you?"  
  
"I'm fine. We just moved to a new place. It's simply wonderful. Although Ross's clumsiness has dented our walls."  
  
Rachel sighed as she fondly remembered how awkwardly Ross moved. Then, she felt angry. No one could call Ross clumsy but her. He was her Ross.   
  
On the other line, Emily sensed her anger. "Rachel, are you okay?"  
  
Upon hearing Emily utter the name of the person on his mind, Ross bolted over to the phone. In a tone that was too excited for Emily, Ross began talking. "Is that Rachel on the phone?"  
  
Emily covered up the receiver. "Yes. Now, shhh. I think something is wrong."  
  
His face turned from excited to very concerned. "Well, let me talk to her!"  
  
Emily mouthed 'One second' to him, and continued her conversation with Rachel. "Rachel, are you still there?"  
  
Rachel snapped out of her possessive mode and responded to the woman who had stolen her dreams. "Yeah, I'm still here. Were you calling to talk to Monica? Because she's not here yet. She should be home in like ten minutes, though. I'll tell her to call you ba-"  
  
Ross butt into Emily's conversation. "Ems, are you sure that's Rachel? I mean, MY Rachel?"  
  
Emily covered the phone once again. "YOUR Rachel?"  
  
Ross realized his mistake. "Well, I mean, MY friend Rachel. You two aren't exactly close."  
  
He could see in her eyes that she didn't believe him. "Yes, Rachel Green is on the phone. Do you want to talk to her?"  
  
Ross nodded eagerly, and a disgusted Emily threw the phone at his chest. Ross hesitated, but held up the phone to his ear. The minute he heard her voice, it felt like a knife stabbed him in the chest. He was hearing the voice from his past. The voice of the girl he had left behind. He cleared his throat. "Um, Rach?"  
  
Rachel froze in the midst of her conversation as she heard the voice that still haunted her. In a small, shaky voice, she responded. "Ross? Is that you?"  
  
He sunk into the leather chair that was right by him. Hearing her say his name left him breathless. He knew he shouldn't be feeling like this. After all, they had said their goodbyes a long time ago. Yet hearing her brought back a rush of memories; some blissfully happy, and others heart wrenching. "Yeah. It's me."  
  
Rachel let herself fall backwards onto Monica's immaculate couch. "So...how is married life?"  
  
This was not the question he had been expecting. He had been anticipating a question on his work, how he'd been, London, or anything. But, no. What he had gotten was a question that involved both he and Emily. 'Well, yeah Ross! You're married now! There are no longer any questions that can involve just you. Now it's all about you and Emily.' He turned his head to where Emily was resting with one hand over her forehead on the couch. 'Now it's all about you and Emily.'  
  
"Ross, are you still there?"  
  
"Yeah. Married life is great. I couldn't ask for more." He saw Emily smile over in the corner. When anyone he was with smiled, he couldn't help but want them to smile more. "Yeah, I couldn't ask for a better life right now." Emily's smile turned into a grin, yet Rachel had a hurt expression on her face.   
  
"Well, listen, Ross. It was great talking to you. I really have to go, though. I'll tell Monica to call Emily back as soon as she gets home."  
  
Ross immediately turned his attention back to Rachel. "N-no, Rach. Do you really have to go now? I haven't talked to you in a year! How have you been? How's life?"  
  
Rachel rolled her eyes. "Wonderful. And you know what? I couldn't ask for more, either."  
  
Ross was taken aback by her sudden burst of sarcasm, but decided not to address it. "Well, okay. I'm glad things are going well for you."  
  
"Yeah, it couldn't be better."  
  
"Well, alright. It was nice to talk to you..."  
  
Her tone turned business-like. "And you. Take care, Ross."  
  
"Okay. Bye."  
  
But she had already hung up. Rachel flopped back onto the couch again, feeling guilty for hanging up the phone on him. If he only knew why she had hung up so abruptly, maybe he wouldn't have felt so bad that night. He wouldn't know it, but the reason she had hung up was that she couldn't bear to hear him say goodbye. Not again. Not ever. Even though he was married, she had not given up. Not until today. Today was a rude awakening for her.  
  
Before today, Married-Ross was just a figment of her imagination. She had never associated with him, and therefore, he was not real to her. Yet today, she had spoken to him. And the harsh realizations were presented to her. Ross was married and happily so. Rachel took a swig out of her beer bottle and vowed to herself that soon, she would let him go...  
  
'I talked to you the other day  
  
Looks like you make your escape  
  
You put us behind, no matter how I try  
  
I can't do the same  
  
Let me let go, baby  
  
Let me let go  
  
It just isn't right  
  
I've been two thousand miles  
  
Down a dead-end road  
  
Let me let go, darlin', won't you  
  
I just gotta know, yeah  
  
If this is for the best  
  
Why are you still in my heart'  
  
Are you still in my soul  
  
Let me let go'  
  
At that precise moment, Monica entered the apartment. "Hey Rach. I've had the most awful day! I can't take this job anymore! I'm thinking about quitting." Monica went over to the refrigerator and took out a water bottle. "Oh, and Emily called me today on my cell phone. Would you believe that she and Ross are coming in two weeks? She planned it as a surprise for him. She just wanted to make sure it was alright with me before they came in. I told them it would be great. We all miss Ross a lot." She didn't once glance over at the couch where Rachel was sitting. "So, how was your day?"  
  
When her response was met with silence, she walked over to the couch. Once she saw Rachel, she knew the answer. "Oh my God, Rach. What did you do?"  
  
Among the couch cushions were the contents of Rachel's memory box she had of Ross. Her head was resting on the 'Frankie Says Relax' tee-shirt, which was now stained with tears. Three bottles of beer were scattered across the coffee table. Monica brushed them aside and sat down by Rachel. "Rach, what happened, sweetie?"  
  
Rachel looked up at Monica with her tear-stained face. Her blond hair was a mess, and her eyes were watering over with tears. "What did you say?"  
  
"I asked you what happened."  
  
"No, before that."  
  
"I said that Ross and Emily were coming to visit in two we-" Monica immediately stopped speaking once she realized what she was saying in this situation. Rachel was obviously upset about something dealing with Ross. Why else would she have all of his things surrounding her?   
  
Rachel let out a suppressed sob. "Two weeks? Are you kidding me? Mon, I can't do this!"  
  
Monica soothingly rubbed Rachel's back. "But sweetie, I thought you were over Ross."  
  
Rachel looked up with a hopeless look in her eyes. "As of right now, I'll never be able to get over him."  
  
Monica felt helpless. "Well, sweetie, is there any way I can help?"  
  
Rachel shook her head. "No. This is something I have to do by myself. He's moved on. No matter how hard I try, I can't do it! There must be something wrong with me."  
  
"Sweetie, there's nothing wrong with you. You were in love with him. But you guys broke up. And you have to remember, it was your decision."  
  
Rachel let out a groan. "God, why'd you have to remind me?!"  
  
"Well, it's the truth. Just sit with it tonight, ok? Put on some sad music, throw away his stuff, and have a good cry. That's what I do when I'm getting over a guy. Or, you could come to the movies with me and Phoebe."  
  
"No, thanks. I think I'll just stay here. Can you get me another drink?"  
  
"Do you really think another one is good for you? How many have you had now?"  
  
"Not enough."  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ross listened to Emily's steady breathing. Once he was sure she was asleep, he eased himself out of bed and went into the living room. On the shelf was a picture of the whole gang. Himself, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel. They were all smiling on Central Perk's orange couch. He wished that if he could go back in time and warn them about the future, he would. Especially Rachel. The day he cheated on her was the worst day of his life. He would do anything to change it. But time and mistakes are permanent, and life goes on. He gently placed the picture of his friends back down, bidding them goodnight. On his way back to the bedroom, he stole a glance out the window. London greeted him.   
  
They say all large cities are the same, but Ross knew better. London wasn't the same as New York. He felt like an outsider in someone else's home. He wanted to go back to New York. He missed his son, his friends, and Rachel. No woman should be worth this.   
  
But somehow, he had convinced himself that Emily was. She was an escape from Rachel, and escape he did. Now that he was thousands of miles away, he could finally realize something: London wasn't his home. He loved Emily, but desperately needed to talk to her. Ross wanted to move back home.   
  
One thought tugged at the back of his mind. It was a thought that scared him more than anything. And he didn't want to resurface it. Not yet, possibly not ever. But that thought continued to haunt him in his dreams. And he didn't ever intend to share it, for if the secret was discovered, his life would spin out of control. Ross definitely didn't want that. Yet still, he couldn't get it off his mind: The one thing that was wrong with Emily was the one common fault all of his other girlfriends had shared. She's not Rachel...  
  
'The lights of this strange city are shinin'  
  
But they don't hold no fascination for me  
  
I try to find the bright side, baby  
  
But everywhere I look  
  
Everywhere I turn  
  
You're all I see  
  
Let me, let me let go, baby, won't you  
  
Let me let go  
  
It just isn't right  
  
I've been two thousand miles  
  
Down a dead-end road'  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
That night, New York was in the middle of a storm, and so was Rachel's heart. Her feelings were all over the place, and she didn't know what to do. She was intoxicated, but still had a bit of sense left in her.   
  
Inside her apartment, Rachel was alone, and the outside balcony seemed to beckon to her. Stepping out the window, she let the rain pound down on her. It felt good, sort of like a release for the pain.   
  
Lightning flashed across the sky, and the lightning flashed inside her heart. Memories of Ross were stronger now than ever, and all she needed to do was rid herself of them.   
  
Inside her hand, she clutched a picture of him and her together. Their faces were glowing, their eyes shining bright, quite the opposite of the constant deadpan expression she carried with her. With the fury of the storm, she ripped the two of them apart so that they were no longer together. "That's the way it has to be now."  
  
She was finally doing it; she was finally letting go. Dropping to her knees, she began to sob. Part of her felt like she was being overly dramatic, but the other half knew the truth. Running her fingers through her hair, she let herself go; body, mind, and soul. This was needed. She had always said she needed a sense of closure. Well, that phone call earlier was what she needed.   
  
When she shouted into the wind's fury, her voice was carried away like the tide. Once it was said, it was never heard again. "I could not ask for more...I'm so happy...Well, Ross, I got news for you. So am I!" Rachel let the two broken halves of the picture flutter to opposite sides of the city. As the wind and rain picked up, they moved farther and farther away.  
  
Stepping back inside for a brief moment, she was able to regain her composure. The edge of the balcony was calling to her. Grabbing a few choice items in her hand, she stepped outside and let the wind tear away at her. Rachel stepped towards the edge. She knew what needed to be done.  
  
One second was all it took to break them up. One second to break her heart. One second to ruin her life forever. She screamed out into the wind one last time before breaking up into sobs. She wanted to hear her voice one last time before the wind carried away into the night. "I'm letting go, Ross! I'm letting go!"   
  
No matter how long she said it, or how hard she tried to believe it, it would never work. No matter how hard she tried, Rachel couldn't let Ross go...  
  
'Oh, let me let go, darlin', won't you  
  
I just gotta know  
  
If this is for the best  
  
Why are you still in my heart  
  
Yeah, you're still in my soul, let me let go  
  
Let me let go, let me let go '  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
Ok, so let me know how you liked it. It won't be this sad the whole time. I promise things will get better. It was really hard for me to write Emily nice in this chapter, cause I hate her more than anyone. Just wait till you see what happens to her, lol! ;) Anyways, please review, it'll make my sick day! And I'll update this and Love at First Sight as soon as possible. Thanks!  
  
Mel 


	2. Heartache and Memories

Hi! Thank you all for the wonderful reviews! This chapter is dedicated to all the people that reviewed. You guys made my day. Thanks! I hope to update the next time sooner, cause my writer's block is over, but I'll be gone for spring break, so I don't know. I just know that I WILL write, lol. Thank you guys, and here's chapter two! Enjoy...:)  
  
Rain. Pounding with rage and fury atop the roof and windows. Rain was a release for pent-up emotions and a sort of inexplicable freedom for the confused souls in the world. The clouds blocked the sun's rays, and for once, the dark shadows covering the earth like a security blanket of a young child contained uncruel intentions.  
  
Like the first cry of a newborn, the single rose rising among the daffodils, or the first cool snowfall in winter, the rain made its presence known...  
  
Emily stared out the apartment window, feeling sick and looking out at the inclement weather conditions in dismay. "I hate the rain."  
  
Ross looked up from his suitcase. "Really? I've always kind of liked it. It's always been, I don't know, soothing in a sad sort of way."  
  
In disbelief, Emily shook her head. "Wow, you're the only person I know that likes being depressed."  
  
He looked at her oddly for a moment. "Well, for some reason, it doesn't have that effect on me."  
  
"You're one complicated man, Ross Geller."  
  
"That's why you love me though, right?" He gave her his best puppy dog grin.  
  
Ross liked the sound of that. One complicated man. Uncomplicated people were boring. Geologists, if you will. But, no. Not Ross Geller. Ross Geller was a complicated man. No one could ever tell what was on a complicated man's mind. Ross felt his face blush. Right now, that was most definitely a good thing.   
  
She ambled over to the bed and placed a kiss on his lips. "I'd say that's one of the many reasons."  
  
"Aww, you're the best, you know that?" Ross ran his fingers through Emily's silky brown hair. "I just can't believe you scheduled this trip for us early. It just means so much to me that we could go down there for a few weeks."  
  
Emily looked up and cleared her throat. "Well, actually, I have another idea. Why don't we pack a little extra and just start our summer trip a bit early?"  
  
Ross's eyes opened wide. "Ems, are you serious!?"  
  
She couldn't tell if he was surprised, angered, or confused. "Well, would you like to?"  
  
Ross picked her up and spun her into the air. "Yes! Yes, definitely! This is the best surprise anyone has ever, EVER given me!"  
  
Emily was pleasantly amused. "Well, Ross, you deserve it. You moved here for me, left your friends and family...I think it's high time we paid them a visit. Do you think Monica will mind us staying that long?"  
  
Ross chortled. "Are you kidding me? Wow, when we're in town, you have to spend more time around my sister. She'll be thrilled! Having guests means she can re-open Hotel Monica!"  
  
"Hotel Monica?"  
  
"Long story, don't ask."  
  
"Alright, then. I guess all we have to do is call her and ask."  
  
"Yeah...God, this is so great! I can't wait to see everyone again!"  
  
Emily shifted in discomfort on the unmade bed. "Um, Ross?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Do you think it will be, I don't know, weird to be living with Rachel again?"  
  
Ross froze dead in his tracks. He loved Emily to death and wanted nothing to change the level of stability he had with her. Hearing her say Rachel's name made him wonder if things were indeed going to be weird. Emily looked at him expectantly. Her level of interest on this topic made Ross uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. "Well, we never exactly lived together..." His voice trailed off into the dead silence.  
  
"Yes, but you two were very close, Ross. And you haven't REALLY seen each other or actually spoken for real in what, a year?" Seeing she wasn't going to receive her answer yet, Emily continued preaching. "I just hope it's not weird to be in the same apartment for five months."  
  
Ross replied with the exact opposite words that were on his mind. "No, I'm sure it will be fine. Rachel's great, and I'm pretty sure we're both over each other by now...Yeah, you two will finally get a chance to bond."  
  
Emily nodded along eagerly at his last mention, but looked appalled at his first. "Ross, what do you mean, you're 'pretty sure' you're both over one another by now?"  
  
Ross realized his slip-up and turned bright red. "No, I mean we ARE. We are SO over each other." He hugged her gently for reassurance, not only for her, but also for himself.  
  
"Well, that's good to hear. I'm really glad you and Rachel were both able to let go and move on. I'm sure it wasn't easy, but think of this," she playfully patted his knee, "now you have me!"  
  
Emily's words spun circles around his head as he looked at her. "Now you have me...Now you have me..." Suddenly, her face morphed into something wonderful.  
  
Her brown eyes changed to blue and dull brown hair was colored sparkling blond. Ross couldn't shake Rachel's face from his mind.   
  
Emily's face re-entered his head and sat along side Rachel's. While Emily's smiling mouth constantly chanted, "Now you have me...Now you have me!", Rachel's face was frowning, and she carried a hurt expression with her, as if she was carrying the burden of a hundred lovelorn women. "Now you have her, but look what you lost..."   
  
Her face faded away into oblivion, but her words stuck with him for a long time. "Look at what you lost, Ross. Look at what you lost..."  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
Rachel loved the rain. Most people found themselves in happier spirits when the sun bestowed its rays upon the earth, but lately Rachel found herself loathing the sun.  
  
Sunshine represented all that was happy. Rain, on the other hand, was dreary. It was calming, yet angry. Soothing, yet discomforting. To Rachel, it fit her mood perfectly.   
  
Looking out the window in her room, she mentally reviewed her week. Work, drink, eat, drink, sleep, and drink. 'What an exciting life,' she thought.  
  
These days, all of her friends from childhood were married. Her best friends in the city, Monica, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe, were more like her.   
  
Yet...Phoebe and Joey both had fairly unsteady jobs and very steady dating lives. And Monica and Chandler had pretty nonexistent dating lives, yet flourishing jobs.   
  
And Ross...Ross had it all. A wife, a home, and a wonderful job. Rachel always thought that after she and Ross broke up, one of two things would happen. One, she imagined that one day they'd end up in each other's arms again. Either that, or Rachel would remarry, and poor Ross would be left alone.  
  
As Rachel looked out the window, watching the happy couples stroll in the New York Friday nightlife, she realized that Ross would be coming in two days.  
  
A week ago, when Monica told her that Ross and Emily were extending their visit, Rachel pretended to be thrilled. It took Monica all of ten seconds to realize that Rachel was acting.  
  
That night, Rachel drank and let her body succumb to the misery her heart was now accustomed to feeling. She drank and drank, until she was so intoxicated that she couldn't tell her reflection from the shadows playing upon the wall. Rachel shook her head in dismay at her actions, yet made no attempt to quit. The past week she had consumed more alcohol than she usually did in four months.  
  
'What am I doing to myself?' she wondered. 'It's a Friday night...everyone else is out. Next time I'm asked to go somewhere, I should. My life shouldn't revolve around memories of Ross.'  
  
Slowly, Rachel slid a picture of Ross out from underneath her pillow. 'I am the most pathetic loser.' Stroking the picture in all its finery, she realized something that scared her. She didn't even care.  
  
Footsteps. Keys. That could only mean one thing.  
  
"Rach? Are you here?" Monica's voice rang out through the apartment.  
  
Not answering to her calls, Rachel looked at her nightstand. Two cans of beer, a half empty bottle of wine, and a few scattered painkillers. What a sight.  
  
Rachel laid back on her bed, not even caring if Monica saw. She figured a lecture would do her good. 'Hell, it's not like anything else is working.'  
  
Monica knocked cautiously on the door, fully aware of the state her dear friend was probably in. "Rachel, I'm coming in."  
  
As the door slowly creaked open, Monica gasped at Rachel lying on the bed amidst the alcohol. She sat down on the bed and placed her hand on Rachel's head. "Rach, what are you doing to yourself?"  
  
Rachel groaned and slurred as she spoke. "I'm sorry, Mon. I just can't help it anymore."  
  
Monica shook her head. "Rachel, I can't believe this. Weren't you the one who told me never to depend on a man? And wasn't it you who always said don't let a break-up ruin your life? You've always been so strong, Rach. Don't let Ross's return do this to you. I know he's my brother, but don't let your life fall apart because of him."  
  
Rachel blankly stared at the wall, and Monica wasn't even sure she had heard her.   
  
"Rach?"  
  
Rachel's eyes welled up she managed to talk in a croaking voice, one that is on the verge of tears and despair. "Mon, Ross wasn't just a man. He was my life. When I had him, I didn't appreciate him. And now that he's gone, I could just die. I know these feelings have just come out of nowhere, but you have to understand, I've buried them inside. When he was gone, it was like I was in denial. The break up and his marriage all happened so soon. I guess...I guess I always kind of thought in the back of my mind that one day he'd come back and nothing would be different."  
  
Monica was understanding. "And now that day has come."  
  
"Yeah. It's like, I wanna see him, but I don't. I don't know if I can see him as a married man."  
  
"I know you can, sweetie. It'll be hard, but you can do it. And hopefully, while he's here, you two can become friends again."  
  
Even in her drunken state, Rachel felt bewildered as she realized something. "Mon, I think now I understand how Ross felt about me."  
  
"You mean, when you two were going out?"  
  
Rachel shook her head. "No, before that. When he was supposedly madly in love with me and I was totally oblivious." She shook her head and momentarily shut her eyes, the feeling of her eyelashes meeting soothing her burning skin. "It's not a good feeling."  
  
"Well, yeah, Rachel. It's never a good feeling to have feelings for someone and know that for some reason or another, they don't have them in return. Is this the first time this has happened to you?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Then consider yourself lucky. I've had that feeling countless times. And look at me. I'm fine, I've moved on. Just like you will."  
  
Rachel shook her head in protest as her world blurred before her eyes. Monica was trying to be helpful, but she just didn't understand. Sure, she had gone through bad times in love, but nothing like this. "Mon, I'm just afraid when I see him, I'm going to fall apart, and I won't be able to help it. Every time I think of him, I get depressed. I love him so much I hate him. And I hate myself for hating him while I love him. I just wish I could love him without hating him for what he did to me at the same time."   
  
By this time, tears were flowing freely down her delicate face. "These feelings are so intense, Mon, and they terrify the Hell outta me. I just wish things could be normal. I want to be in control of my mind. I want to be in control of my feelings. But in the past few weeks, I've realized something. I can't be in control of my heart."  
  
Monica rubbed Rachel's back, wishing that there was a way she could help ease the pain. "Sweetie, if you want to be in control of your mind and body, stop abusing it. As for your heart, I'm afraid you're on your own. I'm sure everything will be okay soon. You'll realize that your life does go on, and before you know it, you'll be good friends with Ross. And Emily," she added in for good measure.  
  
Rachel stopped sniffling and slurred Emily's name with utter distaste. "Emily...I can't stand her. She's done nothing to me, but yet she's done everything! I can't take it!" She flopped back onto the bed.  
  
"Rach, you've got to give her a chance. Just try. I know you can do it. Just try to let go of your hatred and see things differently. I know you can do it."  
  
"Ugh."  
  
Monica took that as an agreement. "Now, I'm going to bed, and I'm taking these with me." In her arms, she gathered up the contents of the nightstand: Rachel's way of releasing the pain. "Sleep tonight, and sleep tomorrow. I'm sure you won't be feeling the greatest, and the only way to help that is to rest. Rest up, and that way you'll be feeling great when Ross and Emily come on Sunday."  
  
"There's no way that'll happen."  
  
"We can hope though, can't we?"  
  
"Hopes and dreams are worthless, Mon. I'm living proof."  
  
Monica silently closed the door and left Rachel in the darkness. The rain was coming down harder now, and Rachel stayed silent in the black of night. Her haven, her space of resolute quiet, her home. Rachel was living among the darkness, and for now, nothing could bring her into the light.  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
Saturday came and went as a blur to Rachel. She could vaguely recall spending a great majority of it in the bathroom. No, it had not been the best day by any means.  
  
While she was trying to sleep off her hangover, Monica was preparing for Ross and Emily's arrival. As a newly married couple, they weren't blessed with an ample pocketbook, and they couldn't afford to rent an apartment for their stay.   
  
Being that they were family to Monica, she had graciously opened the doors of her home to them, much to Rachel's dismay.  
  
Rachel was forced to evacuate her room, and set up camp with Monica. Rachel felt disgusted at the thought that Ross and Emily were going to be living in her room, sleeping in her bed. The pieces of the puzzle were present, but an imposter piece had found its way into the box.  
  
Rachel sat on the couch as her hangover was wearing off. 'And what do you do with that imposter piece? You throw it out. Put it back in its own box. Hell, ship the damn piece back to England, if you want. I don't care, but get it out of my box!'  
  
As Monica entered the room with her vacuum, she looked at Rachel inquisitively. "Rach, how are you feeling?"  
  
Rachel was still in her own world. "Get outta my damn box!"  
  
Monica's eyes opened wide and she threw up her hands in an act of surrender. "Okay, okay! Just let me vacuum underneath the couch, and I'll leave you be."  
  
Rachel snapped out of it. "What?" Her head was throbbing, as if needles were being pressed into her skull. And every time she thought of the needles, she thought of Emily's hands. Poking, prodding, into her brain. Stealing her life.  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
Later that night, the effects of the alcohol were nearly out of Rachel's system. She was in her bed, just waiting for night to engulf her.   
  
After sleeping all day though, her body needed no rest. In her views, her body needed Ross.  
  
Rachel remembered what Monica told her. "It'll happen one day. You'll get over him and be friends."  
  
But what about when they were lovers? When the world actually spun in her favor? Rachel felt herself smile at the thought, but almost immediately wiped it from her mind. "You're not allowed to think of Ross in that way any more. It's over. Sure, you're one Hell of a mess, but he's not. If you ever want to move on, you should never let yourself even think of him in a way that doesn't make you or him look bad."  
  
At that moment, a strange and awakening thought crossed Rachel's mind. She recalled the night before Ross left for England, the occurrence of their last real conversation. Up until now, she had blocked the memory of it, partly because it was far too painful, and partly because what he told her had been so profound and powerful that it scared her.  
  
Rachel realized she hadn't listened to him long ago. 'Maybe that's what's wrong with me...'  
  
Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to drift back to an event that had taken place a year ago, in this very bedroom. An event, that, if she listened, would  
  
alter the path her life would take forever...  
  
ONE YEAR AGO:  
  
Ross took a ragged, uneven breath and looked into Rachel's eyes. To her, it seemed as if his eyes bore a hole through hers, and he was peering into the depths of her pained soul. "Rach...I...I don't want you to remember me like this."  
  
She shook her head in utter disbelief and closed her eyes momentarily. "Remember you like what, Ross?"  
  
Ross moved in closer to her, never breaking their stare, their connection, their tie to happier times in the past. "I don't want you to remember the bad times we shared."  
  
Rachel felt tears spring to her eyes. She willed them to subside, but her efforts were met in vain. She found herself hanging on to his every word as if they would be the last he spoke.  
  
"What I want you to remember are the good times. On those cold, lonely nights, don't think of the mistakes I made."   
  
His voice faltered for a moment and he began playing with a loose thread on the comforter. It was funny, he thought, that if you tugged hard enough on the string, all of it would eventually unravel. This action consequently mirrored his other actions in life.  
  
Rachel cleared her throat, as she had been waiting, and Ross proceeded. "Don't think of what you said to me at the times when you were hurting the most. We said what we said, and did what we did. It's all in the past, Rach."  
  
"So, what, you want me to just forgive and forget?"  
  
"Forgive, please try. I have, and I know that deep in your heart, Rach, you can. You have a wonderful, loving, caring, heart that is capable of much more than mine is."  
  
He grabbed her hand and began stroking it gently. "Just please don't forget me, Rach...please don't forget. It wasn't all bad, you and me."  
  
A small smile spread across Rachel's face and the slightest hint of a twinkle in her eye appeared. "Yeah, we did have some good times."  
  
Ross chuckled somewhat uncomfortably as he smiled at her and blushed. "Yeah, we had some great times." His tone once again turned serious. "Just remember, Rach." He got up to leave her, but not without leaving her with a phrase she would take to the grave. "Don't forget us..."  
  
Rachel's eyes fluttered open once more as she stared at the ceiling. The apartment was noiseless. Silence chilled her bones, as did the thought of being alone.  
  
It was hard to believe that the conversation she had relived had taken place in the past; it seemed like just yesterday. She brushed away a solitary tear from her cheek. In a nearly inaudible voice, she whispered; "If it was just yesterday, then I could go back and tell him not to leave. I know he'd listen. Now he's across the world. Even if I did tell him, he wouldn't be able to hear me..."  
  
Rachel rolled over on her side and once again, silently vowed to Ross that she'd remember "them". Her life at the time was far from happy, but for tonight, and one night only, she would allow herself to remember.  
  
Her thoughts were carried away with the breeze; floating in the air like a balloon that drifts with no particular destination in mind, but a sure purpose: to leave it all behind.  
  
For one night, Rachel would allow herself to indulge in dreams, not nightmares. She had withheld from them in the past, for fear of not being able to let him go. Rachel sighed, "Well, I already know that that's not going to happen anytime soon, so I may as well let myself think about him."  
  
Memories danced about her sweet dreams, leaving her with a smile through out the night. On this particular evening, her smile came not from the fact that she was finally remembering the good times, but from the fact that she was keeping the one promise that Ross had asked of her.  
  
As the morning sun peeked out shyly from behind the clouds, Rachel awoke with a sense of happiness and purpose. Something was going to happen today, she could feel it. Even though she knew there was no possible way he could hear her, she still spoke. "I'm thinking of us, Ross. I'm always, always, thinking of us..."  
  
Thanks for reading. This was, by the way, one of the happier chapters. Well, it wasn't the most depressing, let's put it that way, lol. I'm just saying it gets a bit angsty in the future. I won't end it too terribly, though. I'm not saying that there won't be any surprises, however. ;) Anyways, please leave me a review so I can be inspired...or if you are just an incredibly nice person and feel like making some pathetic 14 year old's day...;) Whichever.   
  
Mel 


	3. Dying Inside

Guess what? I've been inspired. ;) Thank you all for the wonderful reviews, you have really no idea how much they mean to me. :) I really don't think this chapter is that great, but it leads up to some stuff, so bear with me if you like this fic at all. (I really hope that's why you are reading it, lol) Please drop me a review if you like what you read. :)  
  
Disclaimer: There comes a time when you just have to give it up. I don't own them, I never will, so I really wish I could stop writing these. But you know, rules are rules. :) I did write the poem though, so no taking! :)  
  
Eyes of blue, hair of gold  
  
A face that perfectly fits the mold.  
  
Tortured soul, broken heart  
  
One simply doesn't know where to start.  
  
Strong edge, brave outer core,  
  
but inside lies much more.  
  
A life full of tears she wish would subside  
  
For no one suspects that she's dying inside.  
  
Reflection of love, reflection of hate. Reflection of anticipation, reflection of pure pain. Rachel's reflection couldn't be pinpointed as one picture, for it held many emotions.   
  
A reflection of oneself is always difficult to assign one emotion to. The happiest looking person alive could be miserable inside, or vice versa.  
  
Fortunately, for Rachel, her mood wasn't always given away by her expression. At the moment, as she gazed with distaste upon her reflection, Rachel's face showed no telltale signs of her anxiety.  
  
Today was the day. A day of possible heartbreak, a day of sure pain. In one hour, the arrival would take place.   
  
Rachel laughed in spite of herself. 'The Arrival' sounded like some sort of cheap horror flick. She raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow. Emily's coming could be referred to as 'The Arrival'. That woman was worse than the devil himself. For all Rachel knew, she was him, rising from Hell's ashes, just watching and waiting for the chance. The chance to ruin her life.  
  
The mirror gleamed brightly as the sun from the window shined in on it, leaving the presence of glorious drifting morning light to play upon the sink's pure white marble stone.   
  
Looking at her reflection, Rachel knew one thing. Today was a day in which anything could happen. Expect the unexpected, and be prepared to deal. After a full night of rest, Rachel felt as if she could take anything that was thrown her way. This was quite the opposite of what she had been feeling for the past few weeks.  
  
No matter what happened today, Rachel was going to make sure she looked good. If Emily was wearing a skirt, she would wear an evening gown. If Emily got highlights, Rachel would dye her hair. She'd only met Emily a few times, but hated her with all of her broken heart.   
  
Rachel would not look like a fool in front of the man she loved. She was determined to look strong on her own, even if no one knew what was really going on inside her head.   
  
The sun cast its rays upon her golden hair, leaving her with the air of luminescence. Her blue eyes sparkled. Only she knew that the mirror was wrong.  
  
She mindlessly picked up the comb and ran it through her hair. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, whose the fairest one of all?" She pretended to act surprised. "Emily, or Rachel? Who will Prince Charming pick?" Rachel found herself laughing at the fact that she had referred to Ross as 'Prince Charming'. "I'll bet no one's ever called him that before."  
  
Her face fell as she realized that Emily probably had. Assuming that since Emily was from Britain she could call Ross 'prince', Rachel set the brush down. "Looks like the kingdom has been taken over by the evil queen..."  
  
Before exiting the bathroom she and Monica shared, Rachel caught one last glimpse of her reflection. It looked as normal and carefree as ever. Thank God mirrors lied.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
As they were preparing to leave for the airport, Rachel wondered why. Why Ross wouldn't leave her thoughts. Why Emily had to suggest this trip. Why her life was unfolding in the pattern it was. But most of all, why couldn't she let him go?  
  
Suddenly, she heard voices singing across the hall.  
  
"Every night in my dreams...I see you...I feel you..."  
  
Rachel rolled her eyes, unaware at the moment of the significance those words had to her own life, and was glad for the interruption.  
  
Chandler burst into the apartment singing, newly released 'Titanic' video in hand. Joey followed him, visibly upset at the comical stab Chandler was taking at the movie that had touched him so deeply. A laughing Phoebe trailed behind.  
  
"This is how I know you GO on..." Chandler finished.  
  
Fastening her earrings on, Monica came into the living room shaking her head at Chandler. "Geez, you even stress your words while you sing!"  
  
"What?"  
  
Monica imitated him. "...GO on..."  
  
Phoebe smiled, "She's right."  
  
Shaking off her dress, Rachel got up from the couch. Everyone's eyes nearly bugged out of their heads when they saw her attire.  
  
Skimpily clad in a slinky black dress and high black stilettos, Rachel proved that she could stop traffic on her worst days. She was, however, confused by their reactions. "What, you guys?" She spun around. "Is there something on my dress?"  
  
Joey was the first to speak up. "Uh, Rach? Why are you so dressed up? We're only going to the airport."  
  
Immediately realizing what Rachel was trying to pull, Monica took the initiative. "Okay, you guys. Chandler, set the movie down, and you, Pheebs, and Joey head down to get a cab. We'll follow. Ross's plane lands in an hour, so let's hurry."  
  
They agreeably nodded, and Chandler tossed 'Titanic' down without much care.  
  
Joey shrieked, "Dude, be careful with that!"  
  
Sarcastically rolling his eyes, Chandler retorted, "I know, I know...Those two only had each other!"  
  
"You don't have to make fun of it."  
  
"Fine. C'mon, Pheebs." Phoebe gave Monica a questioning look, but Monica fell silent.  
  
As the three headed down the hall, Monica and Rachel could hear Chandler's singing until the poorly sung melody had met its end.  
  
Her blue eyes like fiery ice cubes, Monica glared at Rachel. "WHAT are you thinking!?"  
  
Rachel was taken aback. Never before had she seen Monica so furious over something so trivial. "What?"  
  
Monica paced back and forth. "You're turning into a child, Rachel! You pout, drink, sleep, never help out, and don't stop until you get your own way!"  
  
Unable to deny any accusations but one, Rachel stammered, "Children...children don't drink."  
  
"Bad ones do."  
  
"Are you saying I'm a disobedient little girl?" Rachel laughed.  
  
Monica slammed down her purse on the table. "You sure have been acting like one. Why do you always have to get your own way? Can't you sometimes just accept what life gives you? I know how your breakup tore you apart, but still! It's been two years!"  
  
Rachel felt tears spring to her eyes and pool over against her black eyeliner. The soft blue of her eyes nearly met the harsh black surrounding them like a bruise waiting to heal. Or, waiting to form.  
  
"I have accepted it, Mon. I've accepted more than you or anyone else can imagine. You have no idea how hard this is for me. I'm giving up a lot for them, Mon, and I go try to look nice-"  
  
"Nice? Are you kidding me? You look like you should be standing out on the street waiting to get picked up. You can't try and seduce Ross!"  
  
"What makes you think I'm trying to seduce him?"  
  
"Oh, please. I know how you work. I'm just saying it's awfully selfish of you to try and pull something like this."  
  
"WHAT AM I TRYING TO PULL!?"  
  
Monica was silent. Dead silent. Rachel bit her lip as she felt bad for yelling, but couldn't understand why Monica was so upset.   
  
Sure, Rachel knew she hadn't exactly been the best friend lately, but Monica was acting like a madwoman. Rachel gulped, trying to calm herself down. "Mon, I want you to put something into perspective. Who was the greatest love of your life?"  
  
Shrugging her shoulders, Monica shut her eyes. Deep in her heart, the answer lay, but Monica was still shocked that she had gotten so upset. Lately, everything had gotten on her nerves. And Rachel was just in her path when all Hell broke loose.  
  
"Well, the one I've seen you most upset over is Richard, so I'll use him. Pretend that after you left Richard, he comes back to visit. Tagging along is his new wife, Emi--er, Emma."  
  
Monica's eyes fluttered open in shock. "Richard remarried?"  
  
"No, but suppose he did. And then both of them come to live with you for, like, five months. All your friends are excited about this. Except you, because you know how much it's going to hurt. So you try and dress up, make yourself look like you still have the will to live...Even if you don't."  
  
Monica got up and hugged Rachel. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I know I'll never totally understand, but that helped. I didn't mean to go off on you like that. I guess I'm just frustrated that you're not happy that Ross is coming. You know, the protective sibling mode."  
  
"I'm sorry for yelling, too. I should have helped you more."  
  
Monica looked at the clock on the wall, just as Phoebe came running in, breathless. "What are you guys doing? We've been waiting for, like, ten minutes down there!"  
  
Monica grabbed her purse as Rachel tried to mentally and physically straighten herself out.   
  
"C'mon, Rach!" cried Phoebe.  
  
Monica followed in tow, but turned once more to Rachel. "Just try and act like you're happy, okay, sweetie?"  
  
Shaking her head, Rachel muttered, "I will. I'll be happy and peppy and no one will know how bad I'm hurting. No one even cares."  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
"I do!" Ross practically shouted.  
  
Emily jolted awake in her plane seat. "What?"  
  
Eyes fluttering open, Ross looked surprised. "Huh?"  
  
With an endearing look crossing her face, Emily stroked Ross's arm. "Aw, were you talking in your sleep?" She was met with a sleepy nod. "Was it about our wedding?"  
  
He cleared his throat and lied. "Uh, sure."  
  
She smiled. "Okay, well I'm going to the restroom at the back of the plane. I'll be back in a bit."  
  
Ross gazed out the window as the tall skyscrapers of New York came into his sight. The Statue of Liberty seemed to wave to him, "Welcome home."  
  
After living in London for over four months, he was more than ready to see his friends and family. And Rachel.  
  
He squinted out the window, almost expecting to see her standing there upon the statue. His heart thumped and it seemed to say Rachel. Heck, everything said Rachel to him. But Ross wasn't going to let that get to him. Emily was his wife and he was finally where he wanted to be in life. He would treat Rachel like only a friend, no matter how badly his heart wanted, and needed, more.  
  
When he gazed upon the stars at night, the twinkling lights from the Heavens above spelled out her name. Passing down the street, he would glimpse a flash of gold, a dash of blue. And he would think it was her. Even as he made love to Emily, images of Rachel would dart across his mind like speeding arrows, their destination being his heart.  
  
The arrows stood in the center, and Ross knew that they would never be removed. He would just have to live with a gaping hole in his heart, and a missing part of his soul. For her loved Emily. He loved her like any husband loves his other half. But the only thing that didn't add up, was that Ross had the distinct feeling that Emily wasn't his other half.   
  
She didn't complete the puzzle, and didn't mend his heart. He had known she was wrong at the start. Other lovers came and went, Rachel was the only one that was Heaven-sent. But Ross didn't want to suffer another divorce, and besides, he loved Emily enough. For now, he would have to accept the fact that some puzzles never get completed. They are just left out in the rain to weather and rot until they meet their demise.   
  
A little girl of about six with blond hair and blue eyes came up and sat in Emily's seat. She gave Ross a toothy grin, revealing several missing ones, as Ross smiled down at her.   
  
"Well, hi there."  
  
"Hi," she responded shyly.  
  
Ross looked across the aisle where her mother was sitting. After seeing she was okay with this, he talked to the adorable girl.  
  
"So, what's your name?" he asked.  
  
"Rachel."  
  
It was just his luck that a little girl with the same name as the only woman he truly loved and deeply betrayed would come show up in his wife's seat.  
  
Still, he couldn't just ignore her. "So, Rachel, is this your first time flying?"  
  
Swinging her feet back and forth, she grinned. "Yup."  
  
"Are you going on vacation to New York? There's lots of fun stuff to do."  
  
"Nope. My mommy and daddy are getting a d'vorce, so me and mommy gots to move here."  
  
Ross blushed, as did the girl's mother. "I'm sorry." He needed an escape from the conversation, fast.   
  
"Can I sit here?"  
  
Ross was confused. "Huh?"  
  
Rachel pointed at the seat she was sitting in. "My mommy is too a-quiet over there. I think she's a-sad."  
  
Ross smiled sympathetically at the girl's mother and also at how Rachel put an "a" at the beginning of her words. "Well, this is my wife's seat."  
  
"But she's gone now."  
  
"I'm pretty sure she'll be coming back."  
  
"My mommy taught me how to a-share. She should a-share her seat."  
  
Ross was amused. "I'm sure she would. She's a very nice lady."  
  
"Do you love her?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
Her eyes opened wide. "Well, how do you know that?"  
  
Ross pondered her question for a moment. "I don't know. I just do."  
  
"My mommy doesn't love my daddy any more."  
  
Ross smiled sadly. "I'm sorry, sweetie. But, when you live in New York, there's a fun zoo, and-"  
  
"How do you know that you and your wife won't be gettin' a d'vorce?"  
  
Being that Ross was very inexperienced at talking about serious matters with young children, he was at a loss for words. "Uh, well, I love her very much."  
  
"My mommy and daddy a-used to love each others, but Daddy said there was a-someone else. He said sometimes you can be married but not in love."  
  
Just then Emily got back and Rachel's mother butt in. "Okay, Rachie, come back here. The nice man's wife is back."  
  
Before leaving, Rachel opened her eyes wide, very seriously. "Just a-remember. It could happen to you." She flashed Emily an innocent grin and skipped across the aisle.   
  
As she eased herself into her seat, Emily asked, "What was that all about?"  
  
Ross shrugged as the 'fasten seatbelt' sign flashed on. "I have no idea."  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
Rachel looked out the large window in the airport as Ross's plane landed. She was at a loss for feelings, a loss for words. Never before in her life had she been this uncomfortable and this nervous.  
  
She had anticipated this moment for the longest time. Of course, in her head, the reunion had taken place under much different circumstances. 'Ones that will never happen,' she dismally thought.  
  
Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler all stood at the edge of the gate, waiting for their dear friend to arrive. Rachel stood behind them, feeling like the outsider who didn't belong.   
  
Rachel felt her heart thump harder as passengers began to come into their view. In the distance, she could see a head that she would recognize anywhere.   
  
With a little too much hair gel and a little too short of a time it spent with a comb, Ross's head turned into, well, Ross.  
  
Rachel gasped. He had hardly changed at all. He still smiled the same, walked with the same cute lack of confidence. Only this time, he was followed by Emily.  
  
'His wife, his best friend, the light of his life,' were Rachel's sarcastic thoughts.   
  
As if in slow motion, Ross and Emily greeted all the others. The world spun before Rachel, as if she wasn't a part of it. 'I may as well not be.'  
  
All of the sudden, Ross turned towards Rachel. She took a deep breath as her blue eyes met his brown ones. Rachel knew she didn't look like anything was wrong with her, she was always careful to hide her outer appearance.   
  
Shyly, he stepped towards her. "Hey, Rach," he nearly whispered.  
  
Her heart melted at the sound of his voice. "Hey, you."  
  
He pulled her into a hug, and for one moment, and one moment only, the puzzle was complete. Rachel felt herself smile. For that blissful second, her life was perfect.  
  
"Rachel?" Emily smiled at her as she left the arms of her soul mate. "Hello!"  
  
Rachel was surprised as Emily pulled her into a hug. "Hi, Emily. How was the flight?"  
  
Emily stepped back. "Oh, it was perfectly lovely. How are you?"  
  
Rachel thought. 'Well, hmmm, I think I'm in love with your husband, it's pretty fair to say I'm on my way to becoming an alcoholic, oh, and I hate you.'  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"Great! Monica says that she's having a party in honor of our arrival! Oh, and also Ross and I brought along our wedding videotape, especially for you and Phoebe because you didn't go. This way you'll feel like you were there!" Emily's cheerfulness went on its way to visit Joey as Rachel mentally cleaned herself of the conversation she had just had.  
  
'Great. A party AND their wedding video. What could make my night better?'  
  
As they headed down to baggage terminal, Monica passed by Rachel with an approving look. "You're doing great, Rach!"  
  
Ross brushed by her side as Monica left, sparking little waves of electricity between them. He looked at her concernedly. "Rach, are you okay?"  
  
She was surprised someone finally noticed the pain she was in. "Yeah, I'm fine."  
  
He looked doubtful as he walked ahead, knowing how he felt. "Okay."  
  
The whole crowd of seven happy people walked forward to claim what was theirs and discard what wasn't. One among the seven wasn't happy at all in marriage, but pretended for his sake that he was. And another, his missing piece, was breaking apart.   
  
No one could tell by her outer appearance. To Monica, it was inevitable that Rachel would recover. Rachel knew better.  
  
For every second she spent in misery, every day in pain, her heart broke and soul froze over. Soon, the pain would become unbearable. For now, she was dying a slow and painful death. Inside her heart.  
  
Okay, so I don't like this chapter as much, but oh well. It just seemed kind of, I don't know, not as good to me. Let me know what you thought, ok? ;) Oh, and please tell me if the fight between Monica and Rachel seemed realistic. Tension between them is going to be building, I think. This is the last time I'll update before spring break, but I know I'll write. Cruise ships inspire me, lol. But, you know, you guys can do that too. So, all you gotta do is click the button that says review! Thanks and I hope this chapter wasn't too incredibly, well, I don't know. But not as good...:( Lol, ok I'm rambling, so please review. :)  
  
Mel 


	4. If the tears fall down like rain

A/N: Hi everyone! Here is chapter four! Thanks so much for all my reviews! They're great! For the person that asked if this is going to be a R/R fic, yes, it is. ( Most definitely. Just stick around and you'll see. This chapter is looong and it too me a looong time to write it. I've worked on this for forever, and I really REALLY hope you guys like it. It's a lot better than last chapter, IMO, and I worked on it a lot longer.  
  
Any references to the ocean (you'll see) blame it on where I wrote it. You have a lot of time on your hands on a cruise ship. It's so relaxing just watching the waves roll by as you write. Thanks for sticking around with me here...sorry for the delay in updating. Being a Freshman is a lot harder than being in eighth grade...  
  
Please PLEASE review this...I really want to know what you guys think. Happy Reading!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the song...the poem is mine, though...and I wrote it in like five minutes, so it might suck...  
  
The world around us is full of vibrant, rich, expressive colors. Colors define moods, help in times of sorrow, aid in times of need, and become all the more vivid in times of joy.  
  
Rich reds spread across the horizon as the sun makes its descend behind the hills; glowing oranges and yellows follow behind slowly in a trance, walking in awe of the ever-burning red. Next come the many shades of blues and greens, which adorn the landscape with miles of glorious oceans and shrubbery that can be seen from the heavens above. And last, follows gray. Coming with the night, a time of despair, gray only rises above when all hope is gone, and all a person wants, wishes, and needs to see is a color that so rightly fits their mood.  
  
Neither white nor black, some have been known to say that gray is the "happy medium". Have they yet to be told that no happiness can come out of a shade so dreadful that it makes a person want to scream?  
  
Sometimes, situations get so dire, that a person makes the decision not to see in color. It is a decision that is not only involuntary, but sometimes is irrevocable. Colors are signs of happiness, even in the greatest times of need.  
  
Gray is the opposite of happiness, and therefore hardly declarable a color. Everything in Rachel's world, starting the minute Ross walked off the plane attached to the arm of his new wife, had been revealed to her in the color gray.  
  
When she opened her eyes to the world of pain surrounding her, she blocked color. Every hue of the rainbow became dull, and one color was indistinguishable from the next as they blurred together in infinite shades of gray.  
  
The light gray that dusts the table tops and becomes apparent as its remains are found upon the cloth that seemingly sweeps it all away; the darker gray that paints the sky before a storm unleashes its unbound fury upon the ocean on a cold, windy, night; and the dark gray that is nearly black, and is found at the bottom of the earth where tortured souls wander aimlessly about the barren wasteland and are doomed for an eternity.  
  
In her world of boundless gray, Rachel had discovered that she could ignore her feelings. It wasn't hard, really. All she had to do was close her eyes and block all the emotions that made her heart beat fast, her palms sweat, her chest heave up and down in nervous apprehension, and her blood run cold in fear of having her secret discovered.  
  
As Rachel looked up from the gray upholstery in the taxicab, she saw the tiny rays of sunlight filter in, casting an eerily iridescent gray light on the passengers.  
  
"Wow," breathed Emily as she peered out the window. "That light has got to be the most beautiful shade of yellow I've ever seen."  
  
'It all looks gray to me,' thought Rachel.  
  
"You're right, hon. I don't think I've seen anything like it." Ross gazed in wonderment at the last rays of the sun that cast dancing shadows upon its canvas-the cab. An especially dazzling ray of light struck Rachel across the face, illuminating her golden-brown hair and blue eyes, the latter which seemed to lack their usual sparkling presence that marked her love of life.  
  
Ross knew something was wrong with Rachel, and he pondered the possibilities on the ride home in the cab.  
  
Snugly packed like sardines in a taxi that looked identical to all the others that came barreling down the busy streets of Manhattan were Emily, Ross, Rachel, and a plethora of luggage.  
  
The others had made it to the first taxi first, and the group needed two to make the trip back to Monica and Rachel's apartment. Even though Rachel had given Monica a pointed look that clearly expressed the feelings she had for traveling in a car with both Ross and Emily, Monica had failed to notice.  
  
No one noticed.  
  
In the gray world, Rachel was simply another face in the crowd, fighting for her survival as she passed through the trenches containing haunted memories of her past that she willed herself to forget, yet hung onto every last whisper that dripped from the lips of her unforgotten savior. Alas, this was only in her dreams.  
  
'Feel gently my hand upon your face  
  
Incandescent dream I bless upon this place.  
  
Fear not as the wind releases my hold,  
  
Remnants of your love forever remain in my soul.  
  
Listen now to the beat of my trembling heart  
  
When you are gone, it wishes not to start.  
  
Gaze upon the essence of my unbarred soul  
  
I give you my dreams for which to control.  
  
Glowing ember, burning slow  
  
Let this love my heart let go.  
  
Pain so deep I cannot take  
  
From a love too powerful to forsake.  
  
Hear my cries as I let the river flow  
  
It attempts the impossible:  
  
To let you go...'  
  
Between endless bouts of small talk, Rachel was careful to avoid looking into Ross's eyes. Despite her unseasonable attire, Rachel held her head as high as she could manage, and regained her briefly lost composure.  
  
In the next few months, she would be climbing a mountain, and a treacherous one at that. On the way up, she made a secret promise to herself not to sweat as the heat became unbearable, not to scream as she misplaced her foot as she ascended, and not to cry when the wind bit through her hair and ripped her body away. Not to shed another tear.  
  
When Ross's deep brown eyes met the light blue of her eyes, Rachel knew that Ross sensed a stir in the ocean that was her soul. The tide was mounting in a slow, steady, pattern, and a storm was rolling into shore, ready to wreck havoc upon the victims.  
  
Ross knew something was wrong with her, yet found it inappropriate to question under the circumstances. He didn't yet know of her ailment, but soon he would take it upon himself to ask her.  
  
In Rachel's views, he didn't even need to ask. All he had to do was look at her once, and she suddenly began to see the world in color. ****  
  
Letting her soul drift and rise above the pounding rhythm of the music, Rachel opened her eyes and looked at her surroundings.  
  
It had all the makings of a perfect party. Dancing music, delicious food, and most of all, happy guests.  
  
Except for one. Rachel thought back to an old childhood game in which she had to tell, from the expressions of the faces of her fellow classmates, which was unhappy. It was a terribly childish game, yet she wondered if she could play it in preschool, why her dearest friends sensed no wrong about Rachel's demeanor.  
  
She sat upon a gray chair in the corner by the balcony. She didn't want to love him. Really, she didn't. Loving him was harder than not. Yet if the feeling wasn't love, then what was it?  
  
'Nothing,' she whispered to herself in a voice that would never rise above the pulsating beat.  
  
Throughout the whole night, no one had come up to question why she wasn't dancing. Why her attire still remained fancier than others. Why she carried an expression of pain upon her delicate face.  
  
Deep down, she knew the answer. Her pain was hidden from them.  
  
Monica periodically encouraged her with an enthusiastic nod as Rachel made small talk with guests she didn't know.  
  
Small talk. As if that could piece the broken parts of heart back together.  
  
Amid her other distractions, Rachel focused mainly upon the object of her impending desire.  
  
Rachel wrinkled her small nose in envy as she wished she could be someone else. Anyone else. Most of all, she wished she was a person who smiled at the smaller miracles in life, someone who cherished each day spent upon earth as if it would be their last.  
  
She wished not to live with the woman she'd become: one who wished every day was the last...  
  
Like a delicate flower before the storm, she wavered as the cool breeze passed by, bent as the blusters demanded respect, and broke in two when the gusts became unbearable. Her storm was fast approaching, and her stem growing increasingly weaker by the day.  
  
Knowing she didn't need to be there, Rachel shook her head. Life had a cruel way of bringing you to the edge of a cliff, taunting you with the sweet tastes of the candy called desire, and then laughs you in your face as you mistakenly pick the apple from the forbidden tree and plunge over the cliff to meet your demise.  
  
No one ever told Rachel that life would throw unsolvable situations at you and expect you to catch them in the palm of your hand with the skill and ease of professionals. 'God knows I was never good at sports...' Despite this, she still made the effort when her hardest moments met her. Sadly, her straining efforts were met in vain, and she was condemned to a life of gray.  
  
Rachel tilted her head to the side as she watched Ross and Emily dance. The beat was pounding against the walls, and the lights were dimmed.  
  
Her heart beat faster as she remembered a day when it was she who was his dancing partner. Rachel's memories drifted back to a time in which his arms spun her around and gave her strength...gave her a reason to dance.  
  
A slower song began to play on the stereo. Rachel flinched as if she was in pain as she recognized the distinctive melody of a song that defined the hurt, pain, and longing desire that had become her.  
  
It was hard to live with him. Even harder to live without him. She didn't know which situation would be the best for her to live in, but she knew one thing: she couldn't go on like she had been. 'Well, what then, Rach? You can't be with him because of Emily...you can't be without him because...' She faltered in her thoughts. 'Because you...you...you have no reason to live when you see him that happy and know inside how miserable you are.'  
  
She buried her face in her hands as she tried with all her might to not give into the color.  
  
Rachel glanced back up at Ross and Emily, in hopes of taking her mind off other matters. Emily leaned her head on Ross's shoulder with the greatest of comfort. Rachel shut her eyes, not wishing to witness their private moment.  
  
Once upon a time, she was safe in his arms. Once upon a time, the fairy's twinkling lights danced upon her heart. Once upon a time was only for fairy tales.  
  
The arms of love for Rachel and Ross were crossed, and heavily guarded by everlasting treacherous barriers that set a certain standard that could go unsaid: Marriage.  
  
Rachel once again laid her weary head to rest in her arms. She wasn't afraid to let other people see her like she was. After all, the chances they would look were minimum and the apartment was practically black, which was another shade of gray.  
  
She let her mind drift and imagine what it would be like to lie in his arms again. What would it be like to watch the sun rise from the dark of night until it became one with the sky: a golden halo that ruled over the majestic, sparkling waters.  
  
The sun didn't compare to the depths of the ocean in sight and range, yet it contained a certain element of protection that the ocean wouldn't provide.  
  
The ocean was vast, breathtaking, and hard to cross. Only the brave would cross the ocean. Sunshine was much safer to lie in.  
  
After years of gazing at the ocean, Ross discovered what he thought was the truth. He wanted the sun. When the ocean became unruly and unpredictable, Ross felt insecure.  
  
The ocean was his true love, his desire, his pride and joy, his treasure. However, when the slightest wave bounced upon a rock on shore, Ross retreated.  
  
Simply put, Ross couldn't deal with the challenges his one love, the ocean, would bring.  
  
So Ross found solace in the sunlight. Every morning, regardless of clouds, impending storms, or anything, Ross knew he could count on the sun to rise.  
  
Sometimes the sun was painful to gaze upon, making Ross want to spend more time basking in the glory of the ocean's waters.  
  
But always, always, he longed for the ocean...the sunlight burned the skin off of his arm. Water healed the wounds, as did his ocean that he was no longer allowed to swim in-Rachel. ***  
  
After briefly stepping out on the balcony to get a better picture of her gray world, Rachel reentered the living room surprised to see the crowd had thinned.  
  
Only her closely-knit group of friends, Emily, and Gunther remained. And Ross. Ross was always there.  
  
Phoebe bumbled excitedly up to Rachel. "Hasn't this been fun? I danced with, like, all these guys I didn't know! And, I met this one guy...Chad. He's so, so nice. I think I may be in love!"  
  
"I think you've had too much to drink, Pheebs," Rachel sputtered out, surprised at the bitterness that dripped off each word that exited her lips.  
  
"Eh, same thing," Phoebe shrugged nonchalantly.  
  
Chandler gently tapped Rachel on her shoulder. "Hey Rach, Monica wants us in the living room. She has some kind of activity planned."  
  
Rachel nodded at Chandler and made herself smile. No one ever had to know as long as she worked in shades of gray.  
  
"You better get in here," Chandler laughed and handed her another beer, "Monica's about to take role."  
  
Rachel ambled into the living room and put a smile on her face. 'See, Rach,' she thought, 'this is fine. You can be miserable and no one ever has to care.'  
  
Somehow, the words sounded better before they were strung together in the dismal sentence.  
  
Monica smiled at Rachel and winked, her secret message being made very visible. "You're doing great, Rach!" Rachel could practically hear Monica shout across the room.  
  
She wasn't so sure she was.  
  
Rocking back and forth on his knees with the excitement of a young child, Joey blurted out, "Monica! C'mon, tell us what we're gonna do!"  
  
Everyone else chimed in except Gunther. Rachel always wondered what went on past the barrier created by harsh-smelling chemicals and bleach that made up the essence of his hair. Gunther kept to himself, yet somehow managed to get himself invited to every social gathering.  
  
He was quiet, serene, obedient, and never let on if he was feeling down. In a nutshell, he was as gray as the silvery drops of rain that fell from the raging clouds before the storm.  
  
Emily placed a hand on Joey's rocking shoulder. "Calm down, Joey."  
  
Chandler looked at Ross and laughed. "Look at that! She's good with kids!"  
  
Kids. If Ross and Emily ever had a child, Rachel knew she would die. The very thought of the world being repopulated with lots of little versions of Emily made her upper lip curl in disgust.  
  
Monica continued, "We're playing a game."  
  
"Not Pictionary?" questioned a suddenly worried Chandler.  
  
"No," Monica replied excitedly, "truth or dare!"  
  
Ross rolled his eyes and laughed, "what are we, twelve?"  
  
"Hey, now, you don't have to play," chimed in the ever peace striving Phoebe.  
  
"No...I wanna..." he retreated.  
  
Monica began excitedly explaining the rules as Rachel pondered what Hell the game could unleash as eight adults with considerable amounts of alcohol in them confided their utmost secrets and participated in tasks that were considered foolish.  
  
"...and you have to tell the truth...no lying or else you have to do a dare, okay?" Monica finished explaining the rules.  
  
"Who goes first?" asked Chandler.  
  
Everyone looked around the circle, not wanting to be the guinea pig that was experimented on.  
  
Finally, Joey stepped up. "I'll go."  
  
Monica looked at him thankfully. "Okay, Joey. Truth or Dare?"  
  
Joey stared off into space, deep in thought. He thought out loud. "Truth...or Dare...or truth...or dare..."  
  
"Argghh! He'll take a dare!" exclaimed Chandler, impatient at his friend's indecisiveness.  
  
Joey smiled at him. "Dude, you read my mind!"  
  
Monica looked at Joey very seriously. "Joey, I dare you to...to..."  
  
Monica was at a loss for words. She looked around helplessly. "Well, he's done everything, what am I supposed to dare him to do?!"  
  
Phoebe smiled mischievously. "How about if you have him strip naked?"  
  
All the men in the room immediately backed away from Joey as he began to grin and remove his shirt.  
  
"Woah, Joe! Let's leave the clothes on, ok?" Ross was not in the mood to see a naked Italian man, and was a bit appalled at the way Emily moved in towards him upon seeing he was stripping.  
  
Monica sensed her game was not going as planned. She spoke in a military captain voice that commanded respect. "Okay, okay. I must restore order to this situation! We're going to split up into teams. On one team will be myself, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey. Team two will consist of Ross, Emily, Gunther, and Phoebe. Is that clear?"  
  
Rachel gulped. "Yes...sir..."  
  
Everyone laughed as they gathered to opposite sides of the room. Monica began to speak again, "Okay, line up so you are facing a person of the opposite team. I'll face Phoebe, Rachel will face Emily, Chandler will face Gunther, and Joey will face Ross."  
  
The teams got into position as Monica continued. "Look at the face of the person you are facing. Memorize it!" Giggles could be heard throughout the room. "This person will ask you truth or dare. Let's begin."  
  
For the next fifteen minutes, secrets were discovered, lies were told, and Ross ate a questionable looking piece of meat lying in Joey's refrigerator. Ross left for the bathroom, and Emily followed him, wishing to nurse her husband back to health, even if a minor bout of food poisoning was what ailed him.  
  
That left Gunther to ask Rachel. In a quiet voice he spoke to her and asked her the repetitive question. "Okay, Rachel. Truth or dare."  
  
After seeing what happened to Ross after his dare, no one was willing to risk it. She smiled and confidently said, "Truth."  
  
He stared at her, almost gazing into her soul, and asked her a question she knew the answer to, but wasn't willing to share. "Rachel...are you happy?"  
  
The empathetic tone his voice carried nearly killed her. "Am I...what?"  
  
"Are you happy?"  
  
She wasn't ready to reveal the secrets of her soul to the entire room. "Happy with what?" "Anything."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"So...are you?"  
  
"Well, yeah..."  
  
Silence took over the room for over a minute. The clock chimed and struck midnight. Rachel took that as her signal to leave the room. She needed an excuse, any excuse. "You know what, I'm not feeling too good right now. I think I'm gonna go for a walk for fresh air."  
  
Monica looked concerned. "Rachel, it's midnight! You can't walk the streets of New York alone at night!"  
  
She picked up her jacket off the table as the world came bursting into color as she realized the power in the simple question, and the answer that made her whole world crumble yet again. "I'll be okay. I'll only be gone for, like, ten minutes."  
  
She needed to get away.  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
Forty minutes later, Rachel had still not returned. Ross was still sick, and Emily still relishing in her role as the comforter. Monica cleaned up the remains of a good time, and Joey and Chandler went back to their apartment, followed shortly by Phoebe who went home. Gunther remained, for reasons unbeknownst to Monica, who was still worried about Rachel.  
  
Gunther sat alone on the balcony, not ready to leave and not wanting to stay. He wanted Rachel to return, so his heart could rest in peace for the moment. He felt like it was his fault that she left. He asked the forbidden question, and the answer was too much for her to bear.  
  
Rachel did not know it yet, but the men who loved her were the ones that could see her pain. Ross had loved her, and maybe still did, and he had sensed the pain. Gunther had been in love with Rachel also, yet never done anything with his feelings.  
  
Gunther was a man of few words, but many feelings. Feelings so strong for a person that had none for you in return can tear a man apart.  
  
He was keeping watch for her, as he had his whole life. Forever watching, and never acting.  
  
A small figure appeared underneath the light post that Gunther had been staring at. He knew her so well that he could tell who it was, Rachel, from great distances.  
  
Being in love and not being loved in return will do crazy things to a person.  
  
Gunther walked back into the kitchen where Monica was having fun only she could have doing the dishes.  
  
He coughed to get her attention. "Um, Monica? I'm going to go get Rachel. I saw her outside...someone needs to talk to her."  
  
"She's still outside? Oh, Jesus..." She dropped the dishes and headed towards the door.  
  
Gunther gently held up his hand. "Um, no, it's okay. I'll go. I made her upset, so I should be the one to fix it..."  
  
Monica shook her head. "Okay...I don't think anyone can fix it, though. Tell her to come up. I feel like I don't want to act like her mother, but it's hard not to. I want to tell her to come up here, but I can't. We already fought once today."  
  
"Is that what she's upset about?" Gunther already knew the answer in his heart.  
  
"No."  
  
He left silently, making Monica wonder about him. None of them were close with Gunther, and she felt bad because of that. Putting herself in his shoes, she wondered what it would be like to be the quiet outsider in the group. The one that had no friends...the one that was always depressed...the one that no one talked to because of this...  
  
She almost dropped the dish in the sink when she realized that because of her inviting Ross and Emily to stay with them, Rachel was becoming just that.  
  
Monica wiped her head with the back of her soap-covered hand. Life was too much to bear, sometimes.  
  
She flopped back into the chair and thought of how she masked the pain in her own life with constant activity and work. In quiet moments like these, Monica got to reflect upon her own life, which, much to her dismay, wasn't exactly working out as she had planned.  
  
She looked at her reflection in the spoon she held as tears formed in her eyes. Why they came, she didn't even know. Sometimes, under the burden of life itself, everyone needed to cry.  
  
Boyfriendless, husbandless, childless...tears flowed freely over the spoon as Monica's reflection became blurred and she lay her weary head down to rest upon the cool gray of the table.  
  
Everyone needs to cry sometimes.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
'She sits alone by a lamppost  
  
Trying to find a thought that's escaped her mind  
  
She says there's the one I love the most  
  
This time's not far behind'  
  
Gunther sighed as he approached Rachel and saw her looking a mess.  
  
Her hair was ruffled, and eyes puffy. As she saw Gunther come nearer to her, she got up and tossed the bottle of beer she was drinking into the gutter. It hurt Gunther to see her like this. And no matter what, he resolved to himself, tonight would be the night he finally confessed his feelings.  
  
They ate at him for far too long, and even if she responded poorly, he would tell her.  
  
He sat down on the step by the lamppost next to Rachel.  
  
Gunther cleared his throat, "Um...I'm sorry I made you leave."  
  
"Don't be sorry," Rachel shook her head, "it's not your fault that I'm upset."  
  
"Are you upset over Ross?"  
  
She looked at him in surprise and almost whispered because she was in such a state of shock. "How did you know? I've been so careful..."  
  
He looked at her and quietly said, "I've seen that look of sad misplacement and longing a lot. It's always the same story. Girl likes guy, but he doesn't feel the same. Or, it could be the other way around. You feel like you want to die, but also want that one last chance to see if you can make things work. Your whole life revolves around this person. It hurts worse than a knife...at least if you cut yourself the blood would eventually run out and you'd die. With this feeling, there is no end in sight...only the long, painful, road ahead."  
  
She stared at him incredulously. "All of this you can get from one look?"  
  
"Pretty much."  
  
"Who did you look at?"  
  
He stared off into space, focusing on some nonexistent object hanging above a door across the street. "The mirror."  
  
It took a moment for his words to register, but Rachel felt them once they did.  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"Don't feel bad about me, though."  
  
Her words came out before she thought them over. "Why should I?"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"No, Gunther, I didn't mean it like that."  
  
"I know." In his eyes, she could do no wrong. "It's just..."  
  
He stopped speaking and looked her straight in the eyes, drinking in all her beauty. "...sometimes I think no one does care. I'm always there, but does anyone see me? How long would it take for someone to notice if I was gone?"  
  
"I'd notice."  
  
"Yeah, but what about the other people?" He spoke in a slow, soft, tone. "It'd be months before they noticed...I just serve the coffee."  
  
Rachel wiped a lone tear off her cheek. "That's not true." In her heart, it was terrible, but she knew it was probably true.  
  
"It'd be months before anyone said anything...I'm a person, too." He looked at her curiously. "You know, a lot of people care about you up there. Monica, Ross, and all the others. They're worried."  
  
"The others know?!"  
  
"No, just Monica. But they all care."  
  
"Yeah...I know..."  
  
Silence was louder than words between them, and the sounds of the dying nightlife drifted in the air. For minutes, neither spoke. Finally, Gunther broke the silence, or rather, the noise.  
  
"If you really love him, you'll let him go..."  
  
"What?" She had zoned out.  
  
"Ross," he repeated, "If you really love Ross, then you'd let him go." She looked up at Gunther with tear-filled eyes. "I can't...it's harder than you'll ever know..."  
  
He watched as she wiped away the tears that fell constantly.  
  
'I do know,' thought Gunther as he decided once again to keep his secret to himself, where it most likely would remain forever. 'I know more about pain and letting go than you'll ever, ever know...'  
  
The two lonely souls sat below the lamp post, both wishing the gray light would one day turn back into color again. Neither knew their fate...All they knew was one thing. She cried publicly; he did it in the privacy of his home, yet they both felt it together.  
  
He embraced her in a hug and let her tears soak clear through his shirt. Never again would he wash it.  
  
The two lonely spirits sat under the streetlight, comforting each other, and waiting for some miracle to occur that would make all their problems go away.  
  
For now, they would just cry.  
  
''Let her cry  
  
If the tears fall down like rain  
  
Let her sing  
  
If it eases all her pain  
  
Let her go  
  
Let her walk right out on me  
  
And if the sun comes up tomorrow  
  
Let her be, let her be'  
  
Let me stress now, this is NOT a Rachel/Gunther fic. ( I don't write them. I just thought they could relate well to each other now. Let me know if that idea was way too...out there, okay? This was one of those chapters you think about a lot in your head and when it gets on paper, it either works out really well, or not so well. I liked it, but you guys be the judge. I'm not easily pleased by my writing. So... I hope you enjoyed chapter four. If I get enough reviews I bet I'll write chapter five a lot faster! Mel 


	5. Those eyes

_Hello! Hey, look at that, I didn't fall off the face of the planet! I am SO sorry that I haven't updated this in like a month or so. Thank you all for the wonderful reviews, they are what inspire me.  
  
A few things: Yes, I know the last chapter had very little dialogue. Sorry if you didn't like it, but it was my intention for it to focus on the descriptions more. Also, to the person that keeps e-mailing me asking if this will be a R/R story, yes it will. :) Just be patient, and good things will come. :)   
  
This chapter is shorter than most. The longer ones take me longer to write, and I really wanted to update today. What I want to know is if you guys would like shorter, more frequent updates, or longer chapters with longer waits in between? I'm curious as to which one most people would like, and I'll do whichever you guys all want.   
  
This chapter at first deals with a few things, but there isn't dialogue. You may want to read it though, because it deals with some stuff that happens later on in the chapter, and it is actually very important. There is talking later, though. :) Oh, and the end may leave a few surprised, but I told you I had plans!  
  
Please enjoy, and leave me a review so I can write more!  
_  
Like shards of glimmering diamonds, the dew drops formed upon the leaves as a sign of the coming spring. The birds flew from their nests in anticipation of seeking a new haven now that the rains were over. And the sun peeked out shyly from behind the now absent clouds.  
  
A new dawn had risen.  
  
Rays of sunlight filtered through the slits in the blinds, casting a glowing sheen of light from the newly bloomed morning in on the small New York apartment.   
  
A young girl lay in bed, her chest rising and falling like the coming of the tides.  
  
Her eyes fluttered open as noises from the kitchen drifted in and reached her ears. Between consciousness, she could faintly make out whispers of her name.  
  
Do you think Rachel's okay?  
  
Why is Rachel so upset?  
  
Is Rachel mad at us?  
  
It seemed, to Rachel, that she was the topic of conversation that morning.  
  
Really, though, she couldn't blame them after her showcase of emotions the night before.  
  
The tears.  
  
The alcohol.  
  
The forbidden love.  
  
And the pain.  
  
She grimaced slightly as it all came flooding back to her. She hardly remembered details, but Rachel knew she and Gunther had an eye-opening and rather revealing conversation while they sat on the desolate streets and pined over love obstructed. What must they all think of her now?  
  
She didn't even want to know.  
  
Yet still, she forced herself out of bed to greet her friends, ready to tell them how she just drank too much and let alcohol influence her decisions.  
  
As she opened the door from the bedroom she now shared with Monica, she couldn't help but blush. After all, she had behaved rather childishly.  
  
Rachel couldn't help but smile as she entered the room. Something about the air of the morning made Rachel believe that this day was sure to be better than its predecessor.  
  
Ross stared at her as she entered the kitchen, gracefully. Her head was held high, and her blue eyes sparkled with the rejuvenescence of a newborn bird.  
  
No one knew that it was merely an act to cover up her real being.  
  
She was still dressed in her pajamas from the night before, Ross noticed. He watched, tantalized, as Rachel smoothed her hair back. The color matched the drifting particles of sunshine that flew in from the window.  
  
She was vaguely aware that she had the sensation of being watched.  
  
As Rachel titled her head slightly to the left, she noticed Ross's eyes tracing her every curve, every ounce of her body as if it was his to claim once more.  
  
The others were eating breakfast and watching TV, all the while acting as if she hadn't been the topic of conversation only moments before.  
  
Good, thought Rachel. If they don't talk about it, I'm more likely to believe everything's fine.  
  
And yet it wasn't. As she exchanged "good-mornings" and pleasantries with her friends, she could still sense his eyes, following her every move.  
  
For a moment, Rachel got up to get a bowl of cereal. The eyes followed. As she sat back down at the kitchen table and ate her breakfast, the eyes were still watching. And most shamefully and wonderfully of all, the eyes locked on her as their owner kissed Emily.  
  
Feeling slightly mischievous, Rachel moved the fabric of the boxer shorts she slept in higher up on her thigh. Her eyebrows arched in an act of minor seduction; she hoped Ross would notice.  
  
As Rachel peered over her shoulder, she met Ross's eyes. The staring eyes.  
  
He blushed painfully, and whisked those insightful eyes away.  
  
Just like his love.  
  
Even though their private little game had ceased, Rachel felt some comfort in what she had witnessed.  
  
He couldn't help but stare, Rachel thought, and this was good. For her, anyway.  
  
It meant, that even though he was married, and seemingly happily so, a part of him still felt the urge, the animal desire, to gaze upon another woman.   
  
And not just another woman, Rachel thought happily as she smiled sweetly at Emily, whom had just said good morning to Rachel. Her.  
  
This, in turn, made Rachel wonder if he was still in love with her. Not in love, "in love", but she wished to know if feelings still existed.  
  
As the morning went on, Rachel fell back into her funk as she slowly came to terms with what she perceived as the painful truth.   
  
Every man stared, some more than others. Any feelings he had for her would be strictly sexual. Nothing more.  
  
Nothing could compare to the amount of pain she was experiencing. No feelings, good or bad. No seduction, no love.  
  
Only pain.  
-------  
The sun was dying. For the length of its entire life, it had lived in harmony with the moon.   
  
But times were changing.  
  
Daylight was crowned by the sun's graceful strides across the pastel blue sea.  
  
All the birds knew not to look at the sun directly, for She was far too gorgeous. Every time, dependable as clockwork, She would rise from the ashes and burning flames. Then, she would become one with them, and all at once form a creation more terrible and wonderful than before.   
  
But like all great mysteries, she had a secret. The whole time everyone thought she was so brave for rising from the ashes, no one knew the truth.  
  
For the sun was merely the essence of the ashes.  
-------  
Ross looked down as he spoke in a soft, ashamed voice. "It scares me, man. I mean, the whole time Emily and I were eating dinner, she kept asking me what was wrong."  
  
Chandler nodded in understanding, awaiting the real reason his friend had wanted to talk.  
  
"Ems dressed up, and don't get me wrong, she looked good." He looked up at Chandler, and his eyes proved Chandler right: He was terrified of what he was about to say. "  
  
"Well, what is it?" Chandler cleared his throat.  
  
"That whole time I was with Emily, I just couldn't stop thinking about how damn good Rachel looked this morning."  
------  
Monica looked concerned at her dear friend who had requested a "girls-talk" after their dinner that night.   
  
Smoothing back her hair, Rachel looked straight at Monica.   
  
"Something's bothering me, Mon."  
  
Monica chuckled softly. "Yeah, sweetie, I somewhat figured. It's still Ross, right?"  
  
"Yeah, but, I mean..."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Well, this whole time that I've still been in love with him, he's never really you know, looked at me."  
  
"What?"   
  
"Oh, no, I mean, he's looked at me before, but not in the way I saw him this morning. That whole time I was eating breakfast, I felt his eyes on me. It's like he was realizing something."  
  
"Sweetie, I don't think he's still in love with you...All men stare..."  
  
Rachel shook her head slowly. "Yeah, Mon. But not like this."  
  
"Well, even if he was feeling something, whatever it might be, you can't do anything here. I'm sure he was just, like, looking at you to make sure you're okay from last night."  
  
Crickets chirped in the distance, which was a sound not commonly heard in New York. Long Island, yes, Rachel thought, but not New York. Those insects were the sounds of her childhood. It looks as if the man of my childhood and better part of my adulthood is back to haunt me.  
  
Monica continued talking, but Rachel chose not to listen. Monica's words danced in taunting circles around Rachel's head. "Even if he does feel a little something, it's probably nothing. Every man falters, but you have to be the responsible one here. You can't do anything, you know."  
  
Rachel smiled and nodded along with Monica as she pretended to listen. Can't do anything, Rachel thought. We'll see about that...  
------  
Later that evening, when everyone went to their respective bedrooms to retire, two friends remained. Together they sat on the couch in Apartment 20, and neither felt any desire to leave.  
  
"I talked to Ross tonight", Chandler continued, "and he was pretty confused."  
  
Monica felt the corners of her mouth turn downward. Maybe Rachel was right about him. "What was wrong with him?"  
  
"Oh, nothing really. He's just weirded out, you know, seeing Rachel again and all."  
  
Monica stared quietly out the window, not wanting to wake the apartment's other occupants. "Yeah, she's feeling kind of the same..."  
  
"Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be that in love?" Chandler's eyes sparkled. "I mean, to the point where your heart is breaking for the other person?"  
  
She laughed. It was cute when he got to talking about relationships and stuff. Neither of them had been particularly lucky in that area. "I don't know about the heart-breaking stuff, but I'm sure it'd be nice to be in love."  
  
"Well, we're sure not going to find that soon, are we? I mean, look at us! Here we are, just sitting around here, drinking the night away." He winked at her.   
  
Monica breathed a sigh of relief once she realized he was only kidding. "Yeah, well, I just keep telling myself one day I will find it..."  
  
They continued talking, but Chandler watched her carefully. She was beautiful. Everything about her was. Her long, slender fingers, her dark hair, the way she wrinkled her nose when she was appalled, and her eyes. Those dark blue eyes, four of five shades lighter than his own, had seen pain.   
  
As Chandler continued talking, Monica surprised herself with her own thoughts and feelings. This whole time she'd been looking for love...maybe it had finally found her.   
  
When Chandler finally left for his own apartment, Monica curled up on the window seat and watched the city life below. She couldn't believe how struck she was with a single thought that kept entering her head, and wasn't leaving any time soon.  
  
She never noticed how blue his eyes were.  
  
_Thanks for reading, and please let me know what you think about...all of this. Oh, and for anyone who cares, I HAVE been working on Love at First Sight...yay me, lol...Thanks!  
  
Mel_


	6. If walls could talk

_Thanks everyone for the great reviews on all my fics! The next chapter of Love at First Sight will be up VERY soon. It's all done. :) Please leave me a review on this one._

_This is the chapter that finally leads us into the main plot...(what, you thought we already started, lol?) ;) You'll see..._

_Just read on._ _;)_

Ugh. Monday again. They never seem to stop, do they? Like the relentlessly evil tide, Mondays seemed to roll in, one after another, hardly leaving room for other days to bestow grace upon Monday's victims.  
  
Rachel sat at her small desk in her office at Ralph Lauren, twirling her hair and gazing out the window.   
  
Rain fell, for the millionth day in a row, it seemed. Rachel leaned farther back in her chair as she waited for the time to hit 5:00.  
  
4:55. Rachel tapped her foot impatiently on the cold, hard floor. Every time her mind would drift to the past weekend, she would replace them with a mundane to-do list that she was intent on finishing.   
  
Pick up dry-cleaning. Don't think of Ross. Hide stained pillow from Monica. Don't think about Ross. Cancel hair appointment. And for God's sake, don't think of the one you love but can't have!  
  
_'Wait a sec. In telling myself not to thin about him, I'm thereby thinking of him...4:58. That's it, I'm getting out of this prison and heading straight for Hell.'  
_  
Rachel flung her purse over her shoulder and briefly strided towards the exit.   
  
The newfound glory she took comfort in was held in that word.  
  
Held in the prospect of escape.  
  
----  
  
"What do you think of this one?" Emily fidgeted uncomfortably in front of the small mirror.  
  
Ross stared blankly up at the ceiling, studying the rows and patterns of never-ending dots, merely contemplating.  
  
Not contemplating anything that would change the world, or even his life, just thinking. About her. The one person his mind was not allowed to drift back to for the longest time had suddenly made an entrance and was not leaving for a while.  
  
"Well, what do you think? Is it too dressy?"  
  
Abruptly, Ross cleared his throat, "Ahem...too dressy...for what?"  
  
"For dinner tonight."  
  
"We're going to dinner tonight?"  
  
"Yes," Emily sighed exasperatedly, "for the second time now. Are you alright?"  
  
"Yeah...just a little tired, that's all."  
  
Somehow, Emily sensed something else was wrong. It wasn't something she could place her finger directly on, but a feeling that hovered above both of them...a graying storm cloud darkening to fill the unspeakable void.  
  
----  
  
Against the silhouette of her apartment building, the night sky, vacant of stars, looked cold and harsh.  
  
And empty.  
  
Oh, how Rachel wished her heart could take on the emotions of the stoic sky. Instead, her heart threatened to burst from the ever-pressing weight her love burdened upon the delicate depths of her soul.  
  
Shaking off as she stepped into the building, Rachel mounted the stairs and thought of all the possible pain the coming night could bring with it on its carriage.  
  
_'What are we going to do tonight?'_ she wondered.  
  
Suddenly, she remembered. _'Oh God, dinner out.'  
_  
Ever since Ross and Emily had come, Monica hadn't the strength to keep cooking for all those people.  
  
Tonight, they had reservations at some other upscale restaurant that Rachel didn't even care to know the name of.  
  
The stairs seemed to go on forever, and Rachel had been met with the urgent urge to use the bathroom. It was that time of the month again, and if Rachel didn't reach the bathroom soon, problems were bound to arise.  
  
Swiftly, Rachel unlocked the door and was greeted by a very depressed looking Phoebe who was all clad for a fancy dinner.  
  
"Pheebs, what's wrong?" Rachel asked her, immediately concerned.  
  
Her sweet eyes looked strained. "Oh nothing, really."  
  
"C'mon, Pheebs, what is it?"  
  
"I don't...I don't really know. I'm just...sad, for some reason."  
  
"Well, hey, that's okay. It happens to the best of us."  
  
Phoebe warily swirled her head around and surveyed the living room. The door to Rachel's old room- the door that would lead to her past- was closed.  
  
"Come here," whispered Phoebe, and she motioned for Rachel to follow into the room she now shared with Monica.  
  
"Where's Mon?" Rachel wondered.   
  
"She, Chandler, and Joey are across the hall, but that's not the point."  
  
"Well, what is?"  
  
"Okay. So I kind of do know what's wrong...and it's a couple of things." Rachel nodded encouragingly as Phoebe proceeded. "Number one, I feel like we've been drifting apart. I hardly see you anymore, and when we're together, things are different."  
  
"Aw, Pheebs." Rachel wrapped a comforting arm around Phoebe's small shoulders. "Things are just a little weird right now, y'know?"  
  
"No, I don't know," Phoebe sighed. "That's the problem. Everyone just assumes I know everything, but I don't."  
  
"Well...what do you want to know?"  
  
"If you still love Ross."  
  
Rachel felt as if a football had been hurled at her stomach at ninety miles an hour. "Do I...do I...what?"  
  
"Do you still love him?"  
  
It was a simple question that required a simple answer- one that Rachel knew all too well.  
  
Slowly, she nodded.  
  
Phoebe's eyes became very white and grew to the size of golf balls. "I knew it!"  
  
"Shhh!" Rachel whispered and nodded towards the next room.  
  
"Sorry...oh, God! This must be so hard for you!"  
  
"No...it's a piece of cake," whispered Rachel, her tone threatening to burst from the sarcasm that bubbled.  
  
"That's not the only thing that's been bothering me, though."  
  
"Well, what's the other thing?"  
  
She hesitated, then took a deep breath. "Well, this morning I took off work because I was feeling tired. I haven't been feeling that good lately, so I just decided to hang out here. Mon was at the doctor, and you were at work. Ross was visiting Ben alone...and I don't think that Emily knew I was here because I was napping Monica's room."  
  
Phoebe glanced out the window as she trembled. "...and I overheard a phone conversation. Does Emily know a...Colin?"  
  
"Yeah, I think she had an old boyfriend named Colin. Why?"  
  
"Because that's who she was talking to on the phone. He called here, so apparently he knew where to find her."  
  
"Oh my God," gasped Rachel.  
  
"And that's not it! The call on the caller ID showed up as local! I think he lives in the city."  
  
Rachel let a long, slow whistle seep through her lips. "So what did they talk about?"  
  
Phoebe smiled slightly. "That's the thing. She picked up just as the answering machine beeped on, so the whole conversation was recorded."  
  
"So the tape's still in there?"  
  
Phoebe nodded.  
  
"Have you heard it?"  
  
Slowly, she shook her head no.  
  
"I gotta go get it!"  
  
Phoebe jumped up, "No! Let me. I have a tape recorder in my purse."  
  
"Phoebe!"  
  
"Well, you never know when you might need one! I'll go put it in your bag. Listen to it later...I don't think I can."  
  
"Alright, but I have to go to the bathroom or I'll die."  
  
"Okay," laughed Phoebe. "I feel a little better now that I got that off my chest."  
  
"Good. Don't worry about it, though, cause I'm sure it's nothing."  
  
However, her heart hoped different.  
  
----  
  
_'Oh thank you for bathrooms!'_ Rachel thanked no one in particular.  
  
The walls gleamed and shined...Rachel figured Monica must have been there not too long ago.  
  
Rachel wondered what the walls would say if they could talk. She imagined these bathroom walls would have some funny stories to share.  
  
The next thing she thought of were her bedroom walls. Now those walls would have a lot to say. During times with Ross, the walls were blessed with pleasant memories and happy days. Now, they were stained with tears.  
  
As she looked around, she realized something that would make going to the bathroom very difficult. _'Damn, where is all the toilet paper?'  
_  
She reached around the bathroom and found an old Kleenex in the box behind her. That was enough to finish the first task...but it was that time of the month, and she still needed a few more tissues to take care of business and "wrap things up."  
  
Eyeing the trashcan, she noticed a few tissues laying on top of the stash. She knew it was gross, but did what she had to do.  
  
"_EEW_! This is so _GROSS_!" She gingerly lifted the Kleenex off the top and wrapped her tampon in it. "I think that's the most disgusting thing I've ever done..."  
  
It was at that moment she spotted something that made her cringe and her heart leap.  
  
She gasped as she sifted the trash around some more. Among all the tissues and other bathroom-worthy garbage was a small box.  
  
The text read: First Response Pregnancy Test.  
  
And the stick was nowhere to be found...  
  
----  
  
That night at dinner, Rachel could think of nothing but the pregnancy test. Who might it belong to? After all, Monica hosted a party a few nights ago, but who would take a pregnancy test at someone else's home?  
  
And most of all, was it positive?  
  
She stole furtive glances at Emily as the night progressed. Oh, how she loathed her for stealing the one thing good in her life.  
  
Whenever Emily would throw her head back and let out her tinkling laugh, Rachel would feel disgusted.  
  
It was like a scene from a movie. The jealous ex watched on as her old flame and friends gazed adoringly at the newest addition to the group.  
  
And as everyone gracefully sipped their wine-  
  
Wait. Rachel's heart leapt as she noticed one among the seven not drinking wine, but opting for water for some reason unbeknownst to everyone but the water-drinker. And now to Rachel.

Her hands began to sweat as she picked up her purse and announced she was going to the bathroom.  
  
Walking towards the back of the restaurant, she peeked inside her bag. Sure enough, on top of the pile, was a tape recorder complete with a tape and headphones.  
  
Shaking, she found a stall and locked herself inside.  
  
Within the confines of all four makeshift walls, she pulled out the tape recorder and put the headphones over her ears, determined to get to the bottom of things.  
  
Even though she knew the walls couldn't talk, she wasn't about to take her chances.  
  
----

_Uh-oh...Who's pregnant? LOL. You will all just have to leave me a review and wait in order to find out. Here's a hint...it's not who you think. (Or is it?) Okay, I'm being dumb. But now the fic can really get going and present the main problem, who will have to struggle with guilt etc..OK, I shouldn't say too much. _

_Please review, and have a happy Fourth of July out there! Don't blow your fingers off with fire works...and don't play with matches! ;)_

_Mel_


	7. All Along

_Wow, thanks for the reviews, guys! I guess that you all want to know who's pregnant, huh? ;) You may find out; you may not. ;) I will give you some hints. Some big hints. :) _

_Sorry for being evil...and if you don't think that I'm evil now, you will think that after you read this! LOL sorry, but you do what you have to do..._

_And, if you can't tell from the beginning part, Emily and Colin are talking on the phone. It's a tape recording, and Rachel is listening. When it goes even further back into the past, it's Emily's thoughts._

_This chapter deals a bit more with her and her emotions. The writers made her such a cold hearted person that everyone loved to hate...I'm trying to make things a little different and show that she was only human. She's sort of a different Emily in my fic than she was on the show. :)_

_But don't think this chapter is just about her...Oh, no. Lots of stuff happens. And the next chapter is a big one...:)_

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything...(This gets old...but someone's gotta do it, lol!)_

"Emily?" The unfamiliar caller's voice rang through Rachel's ears on the tape.  
  
Emily's voice was surprised and dropped to an immediate hush. "Colin? My God, is that you?"  
  
"Yes. Oh, I'm so glad I rang. I was terribly nervous, of course...are you alone?"  
  
"Yes, yes. I think so," she whispered furtively, twisting her head.  
  
"I just had to talk to you again. That one night seems like forever ago."  
  
_'What one night?'_ Rachel wondered.  
  
Silence cast over Emily. "Yes...about that-"  
  
"I got your message. I understand if you can't call me. You're married!"  
  
"Yes, I know," she bit nervously at her nails. "I hope it's alright I rang. Why are you in the States?"  
  
"I'm visiting my brother, Andrew. You must remember him. He moved here around five years ago. I'd not been to visit since. And then I remembered what you said about staying with that bloody man's- what's his name again- sister."  
  
"It's Ross, Colin," she sighed. She knew he remembered Ross's name, but hated admitting to himself that he had let her go.  
  
Hated admitting he had lost the chance with the woman he'd fallen for in the third grade.  
  
They made a hasty decision to take a break...and that's all it took. Emily had visited her American uncle, met the supposed "man of her dreams"- and of Colin's nightmares- while she was gone.  
  
It had all happened so fast...so very fast. Sometimes, no one could believe it.  
  
Almost a year had passed since Colin had seen Emily last, except for that one night.  
  
The night that would rekindle their love. The night that would change their lives.  
  
The night that would teach them to remember...to remember what they had...and how much they lost...  
  
----  
  
_6 Weeks Prior..._  
  
Emily paced impatiently around the small flat that she shared with her husband of less than a year, Ross Geller.  
  
It was a brilliant day...a day that just begged to be walked in.  
  
Obeying the day, Emily marched outside and sighed as beams of sunlight stressed her pale skin.  
  
It was a winter sun. A glorious sun that hung high above the single cloud and let off just enough warmth to make everything in its radius simply glow.   
  
"Ahhh," she breathed as she waltzed down the sidewalk, not even minding her obvious lack of a jacket.  
  
So many thoughts raced through her mind, mainly her marriage. They hadn't been married for long at all, and well, she was starting to have her doubts.  
  
_'It's not that I don't love him,'_ she mentally debated as she continued her stroll, not taking her eyes off the clear blue sky above. _'I **do** love him. I just...just...his mind always seems to be elsewhere.'  
_  
Her eyes met the single cloud hovering like a bleach stain among silky blue satin sheets.  
  
Something told her she knew where his mind was lurking. And it wasn't on her.  
  
It was on Rachel.  
  
For God's sake, she was all he could ever talk about some days! Emily, angry now, started walking faster.  
  
So many things he would say..._'Did I tell you about the time Rach and I...Once, Rachel said this...I think Rach had a dress like that...'  
_  
He might as well have been married to Rachel...and he made Emily despise her.  
  
Despise her for bringing them together...despise her for tearing them apart.  
  
Ross was a man she couldn't resist. She was in the middle of a severe relationship crisis, and suddenly, he had appeared.  
  
It was far too perfect; far too cliche.  
  
She could see it in flashing lights now: _"Distraught woman seeks refuge in equally pained man!"  
_  
He was stable; he was strangely vulnerable. He was sweet, and unusually charming.   
  
But he wasn't Colin.  
  
Emily had pushed that thought farther away as her relationship with Ross had progressed- and fast.  
  
Suddenly, he was proposing...and she was accepting.  
  
Everything and nothing was going right.  
  
Cries of children playing in the streets cut through the chilly street air like a rigid knife. They reminded Emily of the days when she had been happy. Not that she wasn't perfectly content with her life now.  
  
Content and happy couldn't be as different as night and day...  
  
Shuffling down the road, Emily saw something that made her heart stop.  
  
Walking straight towards her, head upturned, was the man she had tried so hard to let go.  
  
Condensed air sliced through her lungs as she tried to breathe, tried to think, tried to tell herself to just turn and walk the other way.  
  
But she couldn't. And there he was...barely five yards away now.  
  
_'I can't do it. If I see him again...he knows I'm married...I can't do it...I let him go a long time ago...'_  
  
But still, she walked. Her heart beat quickened, matching her footsteps which she had unintentionally sped up.  
  
Then it happened. He looked straight at her, stopping them both dead in their tracks.  
  
Barely five feet away, he whispered, "Em?"  
  
She sighed. His voice was like warm bread slathered in honey on a cold winter's day. It was so terribly familiar...and so terribly foreign. "Yes." Tears stung her eyes.  
  
And the rest was history: They found themselves sitting on the edge of the bed Emily and Ross shared, furiously tearing clothing off of one another.  
  
After, Emily was eaten by feelings of immense guilt. She was a liar...a cheater...an adulteress.  
  
So she scheduled a trip to visit his sister in New York. Ross could see his friends- even Rachel- and Emily could rest at peace with herself and her hasty decisions.  
  
She loved Ross, and wanted desperately to make things work between them.  
  
But then why did that night with Colin feel so right?  
  
----  
  
Present Time  
  
"Emily? Are you still there?"  
  
"Yes, sorry. What was I saying?"  
  
"I don't know and I don't care," Colin sighed. "I _need_ to see you again."  
  
Emily was nearing tears. "Colin, I'm _married_! There's no way...no how..."  
  
"I don't _care_! We'll _find_ a way. Can't you tell him you're going to visit your uncle or something? Just for a few days? Please, Em...I can't eat, can't sleep...and it's all because I'm not with you. I just want to see you, talk to you. As friends?"  
  
Emily took a deep breath. What could it hurt? Ross could spend a few days alone with his friends...and she, she could see Colin again. But just to tie up loose ends; make the process of letting go complete.  
  
"Okay," she breathed, terrified of what might happen if she didn't see him...and what would happen if she did. "When?"  
  
As he continued talking, waxing poetic on how he'd missed her, she felt something tug on her heart.  
  
She needed to tell him; he _deserved_ to know.  
  
But who would it hurt?  
  
----  
  
In awe, Rachel slowly peeled the headphones off her ears and sat, curled up on the closed toilet seat.  
  
Emily would be leaving tomorrow...to see her "uncle", Rachel thought with disgust.  
  
Should she tell Ross? She knew it would hurt him. He had hurt her before, but she still loved him.  
  
_But_...if it were _her_ husband who was cheating, then she knew Ross would tell her.  
  
If Ross knew Emily was planning to visit her old boyfriend to share some "news", Rachel was sure that he'd be upset. So upset, that _maybe_ he would forget all about his marriage and consider straying back to the one he _really_ loved.  
  
But, if she _didn't_ tell him, he would be happy.  
  
As she unlocked the stall door and gazed at her listless reflection playing upon the cruel, tell-all mirror, she wondered.  
  
What meant more: Telling Ross a secret that would shatter his perfect world and make him come running back to her? Or to just let him be happy...to just let him go...  
  
----  
  
"...so I told my uncle that I'd come visit him. I'll leave tomorrow, and probably be back in a few days. Is that all right?"  
  
The ceiling was interesting, Ross noticed. How could he never have noticed it before? It was rugged looking, with millions of tiny bumps layered across its surface. If he squinted hard and long enough, the bumps began to take on new realities...and all the shapes were the same.  
  
At one point, he began to wonder,_ '...am I imagining what I want to be there or am I seeing what exists already?'  
_  
"Ross?" Emily sighed. He was gone again; she may as well just leave without telling him anything at all. "I'm leaving tomorrow?"  
  
"Oh...okay. To go where?"  
  
"To visit my uncle," she replied. Again.  
  
"Okay, have fun," he waved her off.  
  
"Ross," her voice cracked _(he wasn't listening!),_ "I'm not leaving until tomorrow."  
  
"Yeah....sorry." He was still indecisive about the ceiling. _Was he imagining what he wanted to see, or what was really there!?_

__  
"So, I guess you'll have to find someone else to take to the opera," remarked Emily casually, as if they hadn't just had a small spat.  
  
"Yeah, I guess so," Ross replied unenthusiastically. The opera had been her idea, and now they were stuck with tickets.  
  
"Maybe Rachel," she suggested, wanting to see his reaction.  
  
"Yeah," he smiled for the first time that day. "Maybe." His smile disappeared. "Or maybe I just won't go at all."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
Silence chilled the air for several more minutes.  
  
"Ross," she sat down on the bed beside him, "what is this?"  
  
"What's what?"  
  
"_This_. What's_ happening _to us? We used to be so...I don't even know," she threw her hands up in the air and flopped back on the bed. "Different."  
  
Ross sat, stunned. _How_ was he supposed to respond to that? "Well...uh...I haven't been feeling that well lately. You know, I think I'm coming down with something. I probably won't go to the opera."  
  
She sighed, suddenly enraptured by the mystical bumps playing upon the ceiling. Why did they even bother sometimes? "Oh, alright. That makes perfect sense. Did I tell you I may be staying a few extra days?"  
  
----  
  
She was gone, Rachel grinned. Five-o-clock on a gorgeous Tuesday afternoon, and Emily had been whisked away by a taxi cab to go and visit her "uncle."  
  
Rachel had left early from work just to witness the blessed event, even if she promised only to be gone for a week.  
  
Witnessing Ross and Emily kiss goodbye was painful for Rachel to watch, and seemingly painful for Ross and Emily to take part in.  
  
Tension rose in the air; tension so thick that a knife could barely cut through it without straining its blade. Obvious as it was that something was astray in Paradise, no one commented.  
  
As Rachel watched the taxi become indifferent between the sea of yellow taxis populating the ocean of pavement, she felt a small, ever so slight tap on her shoulder.  
  
It was Ross.  
  
"Hey," he grinned. She motioned for him to sit down beside her on the window seat.   
  
"What's up?" She initiated their first real conversation in ages. _'What's up? Surely you could have come up with something better than that!'  
_  
"Oh, nothing, really," he turned scarlet.  
  
"C'mon, I can always tell," she smiled playfully.  
  
All this time, and suddenly they were...talking. And not like there was something wrong, or something to hide. It didn't take either of them long to realize the ease of their conversation came from the obvious lack of one person.  
  
"Well, it's just that...since Emily went to visit her uncle...uh, we were going to go to the opera tonight...she loves opera...it doesn't matter to me, though. But since I had two tickets, I just thought..."  
  
She smiled broadly, blushing a deep crimson. "I'd love to."  
  
"Good," Ross laughed. "Be ready in an hour. The limo is coming."  
  
"The limo!?"  
  
"Yeah. This kind of big for us, but not anymore. I wanted to show her New York, and she loves stuff like that. But now we're not going...and well, it would be a shame to put it to waste."  
  
"Sure, I understand," she straightened up, brushing invisible lint off her immaculate attire and smiling. "I'll go get ready."  
  
Several thoughts tugged at the back of her mind. _'Should I tell him about Emily, or should I let it go?'_ But she shrugged away the thoughts for a moment, feeling happier than she had in months.  
  
As she turned and walked away, Ross felt her take a piece of his heart with her. She could always do that. _'This is not good,'_ he reminded himself. _'You're married.'  
_  
Still, a part of him wondered...were these sudden feelings he had for Rachel just because they were seeing each other for the first time in forever?   
  
Or had they been there all along?  
  
----  
  
She briskly walked down the street, wrapping her coat tighter around her.  
  
All the noises made her nervous, jumpy. Now she was responsible for someone else.  
  
Amid the crowds and the faint aroma of sizzling hot dogs for sale at the corner, she found herself wondering.  
  
_'How could this happen to me? We were so careful...so careful...It was all in the moment, it wasn't supposed to turn into anything...especially not this.'  
_  
A tear slid down her delicate cheek as she fought her way through the crowds, already keeping a self conscious hand pressed against her stomach.  
  
The harsh winds ripped through her silken hair as she thought of the father.  
  
Subconsciously, she knew she loved him...but would he back away and falter at the news?  
  
Inside, her stomach churned. She felt guilty about drinking wine last night...it could harm the baby. But she was under so much pressure- nothing was going right with her life- and it had seemed like the right thing to do.  
  
Just like sleeping with him had. She hailed a taxi and lost herself within the familiar yellow confines. The driver didn't even take note of the pretty woman's tear-stained face.  
  
Shrinking back into the old, weathered seat, she asked herself...  
  
Did she just start feeling this way about him because she was pregnant?  
  
Or were the feelings there all along?  
  
----

_Teehee! LOL...so NOW how do you guys think it is? :) Some of you were right...and some of you were wrong._

_And that's all I can say. ;)_

_That, and don't ever assume you know what's going to happen...because I have several twists up my sleve...lol..._

_Also, I'll be at camp next week, so if I don't update for awhile, you guys will know why. I'm doing three fics right now (which would seem like too much, but I do nothing all day l__ol) so it's hard...but I'm trying. I also have a life...despite what some may say. ;) J/K.._

_Please let me know what you thought of this chapter; your reviews help me so much! :) I appreciate all the feedback I've been getting from this and all other fics. :)_

_Have a great night, guys!_

_Mel_


	8. Home is where the heart is

_Hi everyone! Thanks so much for the reviews I got last time, and sorry about the delay in the updates. I have been SO busy, it's unbelievable. I get home each night from school at about seven, and the rest of my time is taken up with homework and any time I can squeeze in to breathe. :)  
  
For everyone who has been complaining about the lack of Ross/Rachel interaction, this chapter is for you. :) They're basically the ONLY characters in this one, minus the beginning (which, by the way, will all make some sense in the next part) and I think it was long over-due. ;)  
  
I didn't want to make it seem like they're all back to normal (although Emily's absence plays a big part in their being able to talk), so if they seem just a bit awkward, you'll know why. Other than that, things are pretty good and allude to some things that will happen later.  
  
Please read, enjoy, and leave me a review!  
  
(By the way: Guess who got asked to Homecoming? ...if the answer wasn't me, this would be a terrible game! :D)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the stuff except the story...or the song, which is by Bonnie Raitt. :)  
  
_Wind ripped through her hair as she mounted the winding stairs that would lead to her irrevocable destiny.  
  
_'Should I be here?'_ she wondered. _'Is it right?'  
_  
She shook her head in confusion and hugged tweed of her coat tighter to her body.  
  
His apartment was looming in the mere distance at the end of the corner.  
  
She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, the smell of stale cigarettes and burning soup reaching her senses.  
  
But it didn't matter.  
  
What mattered was here...now. And the choices she was about to make.  
  
The worn floorboards creaked beneath her as she took one more step towards her fate.  
  
One more step towards revealing the truth.  
  
One more step to unlocking the chain and loosening the shackles that prevented her from letting go.  
----  
  
She always had the ability to take his breath away.  
  
Even with her hair pulled back in a ponytail and wearing old jeans and a tee-shirt, she could always make his jaw drop in awe at her ever-present, ethereal beauty.  
  
So tonight, when Rachel glided out of her room in a red dress that clung to her body and dance around her with each move, Ross was sure his heart would explode.  
  
He hadn't seen her like this since...actually, he hadn't ever seen her look as stunning as she did at that very moment.  
  
"Wow...you look...great," Ross offered, eagerly drinking in her beauty in a not-to-obvious way.  
  
Blushing, she playfully slapped him on the arm. "Well, it'd be better if you gave me more time than an hour."  
  
If she could pull this off in less than an hour, Ross wondered what she was capable of given the right amount of time. "No...trust me. If you looked any better, I'd have to change." She smiled.  
  
All previous tensions between them had been lifted, and they carried on conversation with great ease.  
  
Ross checked his watch. "Well, our ride should be here. Do you want to head downstairs?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Instinctively, Ross reached for Rachel's arm. Startled, she glanced at him with wary eyes but didn't pull away.  
  
"Is this okay?" he asked.  
  
_'Is it okay?'_ Rachel wondered. What would Emily do if she could see them?  
  
_'Who cares?'_ she argued with herself. _'If she's shallow enough to cancel this with Ross, that gives me the right to make up for her absence...and for the time we missed.'  
  
_Smiling, she nodded. "Yeah, it's okay."  
  
_'Oh my God, what am I doing?'_ Ross frantically thought._ 'You're married! You can't just go around flirting with ex-girlfriends!'  
_  
_'But your wife left you today, and who knows what the hell is going on anyway,' he argued back. 'Things aren't the same with her...who knows if they'll ever be the same again. Rachel is your friend, and you haven't seen her in awhile. Go out and have fun. You owe it to yourself. You owe it to Rachel.'  
_  
"Oh my God!" Rachel squealed as she slid into the limo. "This is huge!"  
  
"I know...there's like four TVs."  
  
The chauffer leaned back and tipped his hat. "Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Geller. Can I get you some champagne?"  
  
Rachel's face blushed a deep crimson. "Oh, no. We're not-"  
  
"thirsty," Ross finished with a wink. Leaning towards her, he whispered, "Why have to explain a strange situation if you don't have to? As long as we know what's real, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, right?"  
  
"Absolutely," she grinned.  
  
Twilight graced the streets of New York and simultaneously, the street lights flickered on, gluing sprinkles of metallic confetti to the dark plaster of the buildings.  
  
The limo driver leaned back and smiled as he tugged on the window shade that would eventually separate them. "I'll let you two be."  
  
"So..." Rachel began.  
  
"Yeah, so..." he smiled, the corners of his mouth turning into a puppy-dog smile.  
  
"How've you been?" she finished flatly.  
  
Ross laughed, a bit confused. "Uh...I've been fine. You know, London's great...but..."  
  
"But..."  
  
"Well, I missed New York. I missed all my friends and all my family. I missed the skyscrapers, the pretzel vendors, the museum, the subway. I missed how hard it is to hail a cab sometimes. I missed Ben, I missed watching him grow. I missed hearing Chandler's stupid jokes, Joey and his "two pizza" Fridays. I missed arguing with Phoebe about evolution, and being a part of my sister's life..." _'But most of all, I missed you.'  
  
_"Oh, so you didn't miss me at all?" chided Rachel.  
  
"Of course I missed you."  
  
Rachel shifted nervously, feeling the leather seat mesh with her skin. "What exactly did you miss about me?" Regardless of his answer, she needed to delve beneath the surface on this one.  
  
God, what _did _he miss about her? How about the way she laughed at silly jokes that no one else seemed to understand? The way she would self-consciously twirl a lock of her golden hair through her fingers when she was nervous. He missed her smile, he missed her tears. He missed her so much, he thought his heart would die.  
  
When Ross left for London, a piece of his heart had been left behind. And it's home was in Rachel's palm.  
  
"Everything," he summed up. "I missed everything."  
  
"But now you're home."  
  
He smiled at her. "Yeah. For now, I'm home."  
  
_'Something in your voice_

_ Makes me wanna lose myself _

_Makes me wanna lose myself _

_In your arms _

_There's something in your eyes _

_That makes my heart beat fast _

_I hope this feeling lasts _

_The rest of my life.  
If you knew how much this moment means to me _

_I never thought I'd love anyone _

_So much'  
----_  
  
"The man loved the woman, and the woman loved the man. Basically, there love was perfectly blissful until this other woman came along and got in the way."  
  
"Oh," Rachel nodded as she gracefully sipped her wine. "So _that's_ what the opera was about."  
  
"Pretty much," laughed Ross.  
  
"God, you know, would it be so hard for them to just say it in English?"  
  
"Well, it _is_ the opera, Rach."  
  
"I know, but still. So how did it end? Did the woman and the man end up together, or was that the other woman who got him?"  
  
Her hair was gleaming in the light of the moon, Ross noted. More than anything, Ross wanted to remember this moment forever, to engrave a permanent etching of the night in his mind...in the likely case he never got to be alone with her again.  
  
But what were these feelings? Just a nostalgic case of the blues? Emily was his wife, his life. But then why wasn't she here, sitting across from him, soaking up the soft light of the moon?  
  
"So?" Rachel eagerly persisted. "What happened in the show?"  
  
"Now I can't tell you that!" he grinned, loving to tease her.  
  
She twisted her face into a mock-pout. "Why not?"  
  
"It would spoil the surprise."  
  
"Well, I'm not exactly going to see it again, Ross."  
  
"I know, but I mean...the surprise...in life."  
  
She set down her glass on the silk tablecloth. "How would you telling me what happened during the opera ruin the surprise in my life?"  
  
"Well, it's just the beginning. Like, if you knew exactly what was going to happen to you tomorrow, or in another year, why even live it? It's no fun, not wondering. Wouldn't you hate to know exactly how your life is going to unfold?"  
  
_'I might be a lot happier,'_ she thought. "Yeah, I guess so. What do you think you'll be doing in another year?"  
  
Her brazen questions jolted him, but he answered as vaguely and as truthfully as possible. "I guess I'll be at home."  
  
It wasn't until hours later that Rachel realized Ross had neglected to mention where he considered his home to be.  
  
Looking into his eyes, she was sure of the only place she was able to call home, and it had been a place she hadn't visited in awhile, but found herself getting closer with each smile and laugh.  
  
Her home was in his arms.  
----  
  
_'It feels like home to me_

_ Feels like home to me_

_ Feels like I'm all the way back _

_Where I come from_

_ Feels like home to me _

_It feels like home to me_

_ Feels like I'm all the way back_

_ Where I belong'_  
----  
  
"So I guess this is it," said Ross as they stopped outside the apartment they both shared.  
  
"I guess so." She was sad, devastated, almost, to watch the curtain fall on a night she had cherished so dearly.  
  
"Do you think we should go in?"  
  
"Probably. I bet Monica's wondering what took us so long. I mean, its almost one and we're not back yet."  
  
"You're probably right."  
  
Yet neither moved. Gazing into her eyes, Ross knew everything he was forbidden to do was the only thing he wanted. The night had felt so right, so comfortable.  
  
She wanted to kiss him so badly, wanted to press her lips against his and succumb to all of her burning desires that insured to wreck havoc upon all of their lives.  
  
It was wrong, but incredibly right. Suddenly, Rachel found herself leaning in towards him, almost as if she didn't control her own movements and thoughts, but rather an otherworldly spirit.  
  
And the strange thing was, Ross discovered that, despite everything he kept telling himself, he was going along with it.  
  
_'You're married, you have a wife, Rachel's a friend, nothing more...give her a hug, thank her for coming with you, and go inside together where nothing will happen.'_  
  
But the heard has a stronger will than the mind, and Ross tilted his face in until he could smell the strawberry shampoo she used and see her blue eyes searching his own, each possessing the unmistakable spark of confusion and desire.  
  
_'It feels like home to me_

_ Feels like home to me _

_Feels like I'm all the way back where I bel-'  
_  
At that moment, Joey came bursting out of his apartment, his face flushed red and his eyes possessing a frantic urgency.  
  
Immediately, Ross pulled away from Rachel. "Whoa, Joey, what's wrong?"  
  
"Yeah, is everything okay?" Rachel pushed a loose lock of hair behind her ear and pretended everything that almost happened never occurred.  
  
"Well...not really. Come in here, guys," Joey reluctantly beckoned.  
  
"What, Joe, what is it?" Ross said, urgency now lining his voice.  
  
He shook his head in dismay and bit his bottom lip. "Okay, don't freak out on me...but it's Emily."  
----  
  
_Hehe...hope you enjoyed that. :) And I wonder who will be able to figure out what's going to happen...I know I have, but maybe that's because I am writing it. :)  
  
Please leave me a review if you feel compelled to do so. ;) And even if you don't, lol...please do it because you feel like being nice, and then maybe I'll feel like being nice and post the next chapters of one of my fics soon.  
  
Thanks a bunch for everything, and have a great day! (or week, or month, depending on when I decide to update this again!)  
  
Mel_


	9. And so it began

_Hey guys, I'm really sorry about the wait. It won't happen again...I hope. ;) Here's a chapter that I basically expect to get, like, two reviews because of what is in it. But, you know, we have to know what's going on elsewhere, right? lol._

_Please leave me a review, even if this isn't the greatest chapter. :) Because, I think, that the next one will be pretty good. (It's not that this one is bad, but you'll see when you read it. It's just more about Emily than others. We have to see her perspective.)_

_Disclaimer: I haven't done this in a long time. I'm not claiming ownership, nor am I denying it. ;)_

Almost- that was how close she came. She was always an "almost."

She had been in a small graduating class, and had successfully finished as number two. Number one, she was not. But almost.

When she had married, her husband's focus was entirely on her. Well, almost entirely. She wasn't dense, her eyes didn't pass over his nervous sweats and fleeting glances towards his friends. Luckily, she wasn't among them, and this thought pleased Emily.

After all, in her almost-perfect life, living in the shadow of his past love wasn't exactly her cup of tea.

So as Emily raised her arm, poised to knock on his uncle's apartment door, she found herself wondering if it was right.

'Just breathe. You told him you were coming, so just get it over with.' She raised her arm again and caught sight of her wedding ring gleaming upon her finger.

It looked so out of place in that decrepit building, a rose among thorns.

Emily was almost ready, she could feel it. And after she knocked, she would go in, tell him, and hoped it had almost worked.

After all, in her world, another "almost" wouldn't phase her.

She knocked.

He opened.

And so it began.

----

A glass of wine, two trips to the bathroom, and 45 minutes later, Emily found herself facing Colin, out of ideas on what to say.

Luckily, he took the initiative. "So, Em, why are you really here?"

She shifted nervously, feeling the itchy material of the gray couch brand her soft skin. "What do you mean, the real reason?"

Colin looked straight at her, not even trying to hold back in the way he gazed. She was his first love, and Colin was determined to make her his last. "Well, when you said we needed to talk, I figured it was something big." He raised his eyebrows and grinned, flashing his familiar smile at her.

"God," she whispered inaudibly. He always made her weak in the knees, no matter the situation. He was no male model, but he was good enough for Emily. He was sweet, kind, slightly dorky, but wonderful. He had always been wonderful to her, but things just...didn't work. Between his job and her life, their paths always crossed at precisely the wrong intersection.

"Em?" he gently questioned, placing his long fingers upon her knee.

Snapping out of her reverie, Emily answered him. "I just needed to talk to you about...some things."

"Somehow, I can tell this might not be a conversation I'll be too keen on participating in."

"Oh, Colin," she sighed, willing him to understand the complicated situation she was in. "Don't you see? I can't just come "visit" you anymore. I can't talk to you like this."

"Like a friend?"

"No. Like more."

"So why can't we just be friends?" Colin had often wondered why people would break up and act like their ex was the antichrist.

There was one reason, and Emily was well aware that there was no escaping it. "Colin," she began slowly, enunciating each word carefully. "I don't think it's possible for us to be friends. There's too much history, and I cannot look at you and feel nothing."

"You mean you still have feelings for me?"

"Not exactly...but I get the feeling that you might still have them for me."

He glanced out the window, wishing this inevitable moment hadn't come. Watching the birds flit around the barren trees made him wonder- why weren't they free? As humans, they were condemned to a life of lost-love and misery. A life in which happiness is allusive, and the simple pleasure of spending time with someone you cared for had to be done in the secret of the night. "Of course I do, Em. I've never not had feelings for you." He moved in closer and brushed an obdurate lock of hair away. It was stubborn, persisting to break through the barrier even after her hair was tied back.

Emily moved towards the other side of the couch, as far away from him as she could get. "Colin...we can't. I'm married, and that's what I came to tell you."

"Em, why do you have to work so hard to convince yourself that you love this guy?"

"I don't have to! I love Ross, really, I do!"

"There you go again. I know I can't have you, but I sure as hell won't forget you. And I won't stop loving you. Now I realize that you probably came here for some sort of closure." She nodded quickly. "But it'll never end. You can close the door and lock it with a key, but nothing will stop me from picking the lock."

She sighed. "Colin...that one night we had...it has to be in the past. I'm a terrible person for cheating on Ross like that." Emily averted her eyes, focusing on some nondescript object lying on the floor. "To be honest, I actually scheduled this trip to make up for that."

"Wait. You told him about that?"

"No! Of course not. But this was to make a sort of peace with my self."

"Oh."

"So that's what I wanted to tell you," she continued. "This needs to stop, us. The phone calls, letters, secret meetings, thoughts...everything. There comes a point where we all have to grow up and let go...And, Colin, I think we've reached that point."

Briskly she rose and headed towards the door, wiping a few tears from her eyes.

"You don't have to leave, Emily! It won't work...I'll always love you."

Slowly, she closed the door, not wanting to look back. Colin hadn't let go of her yet, but she had. It was hard, long, and tiring. But she had succeeded.

She smiled to herself as she left the building. It was over, and she could go back to her husband and live the peaceful life devoid of hidden feelings and shameful desire.

Finally, she had let go.

----

As the winds soured the streets of the Village with their bitter waves of fury, she stepped out of the simple taxi.

"Thanks," she told the driver without really looking at him. After all, that was how it went, wasn't it? Going through life without actually noticing anything.

Crowds of people swarmed around her, buzzing like a stampede of raging hornets. No one knew why her porcelain skin was stained with tears.

She had gone for a drive, a simple trip around the city. And her destination?

Right where she had began.

She had a decision to make, and a hard one at that. To keep what she had wanted forever, or to rid of a careless mistake that had began during a night of passion nearly two months prior.

A terrible thought had crossed her mind briefly; it seemed she had no other choice.

Yet it only took a second more of consideration for her to decide. "It's my baby and I'm keeping it." After thinking about it more, she couldn't believe she had even given it thought.

But how would he react? This was the only real problem.

She smiled as she thought about him. He was the ultimate commit-phobic, flinching at the thought of having a relationship longer than the life-span of a cricket.

He would probably pass out if he found out he was going to become a father.

Climbing the weather-worn stairs that led to the place she called home, her heart began to beat faster, mirroring the rhythmic dancing of her feet.

All of those questions she had unanswered?

She was about to find out.

Opening her apartment door, she was startled to see him on the couch, his blue eyes searching her soul for some kind of answer neither of them knew.

"Hey, Chandler."

And so it began...

_Okay, if you feel compelled to do so, please drop me a little review or whatever. :) _

_And if I don't update this before Thanksgiving, Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow Americans! :) lol..._

_(And thanks for all the reviews on the previous chapters of Love at First Sight. I'm working on that one. And as for Beautiful, I've got it on my other computer, which is broken. :( I know, but it was my fault, lol. I'll have to rewrite it, which shouldn't be too hard...but I've got a lot on my plate right now, which is why a review or two would be nice. :)) _

_Thanks everyone! _

_Mel_


	10. Cannonball

**_Hey, everyone! Thanks for all the reviews, and I'm so sorry that I haven't updated this one in a long time. I hope this helps. _**

**_Please leave me a review, and happy new year!_**

"Hey, Mon." He was surprised at her sudden entrance, but then again, it was her apartment.

"Hey." Surely, she thought, she could have thought of something better to say.

"Sorry I was sitting here...I just...Everyone else is over at our apartment and I just needed some...peace and quiet. Something's going on over there and...well..."

She smiled at sat down next to him. "It's okay. This is practically your home, too."

"Thanks."

Slowly, his hand crept across the featherd pillow sham towards Monica's arm. She smiled at the his initiave, realizing that the two had not shared any true contact since that one fateful night.

The blue of his eyes seemed like some sort of enigma, the sheen of light shining over them made them reveal everything and nothing at once.

"Chandler," her voice wavered slightly as she said his name and knew what she had to tell him. "I need to tell you something."

Immediately, he retreated. Just the mere tone in her voice made him suspect that the news wasn't good. She was hesitant and afraid, insecure and questioning...so unlike the Monica he knew.

"What is it? Is it bad news?" Chandler's heart sunk at his suspicion that Monica was about to tell him she had found someone new. They were'nt a couple...they weren't an item. Yet a part of him was so enamored with her that he found it hard to talk. His face flushed a deep red when he thought of her, his hands became clammy, his voice stuttered...all of these were a symptoms of lovesickness.

She examined his words carefully. "No...not bad news. Well, it depends on how you take it. It's more like news, an announcement, if you will. There's just something that we need to talk about."

"Okay, Mon. I'm not going to lie to you, but before you start...there's something I have got to tell you." He took a deep breath and began. "Two months ago, I was at the lowest point in my life. I was depressed, anxious, wanting everything that I couldn't have. On that night, I walked across the hall in search of some comfort food or some sympathy from a friend. What I got was much more...and you know what I'm talking about. I don't know if you regret it at all...but I don't. That was one of the most amazing nights of my life, and I don't want to forget about it. So...whatever you've got to say, just know that I'm in this now. I can't just see you everyday and not say anything about it. These past couple of months, it's been killing me. Do you know how hard it is not to brag that I've slept with you?"

Her soft lips gave into a grin. "Chandler, that's really sweet. Thank you. That night was really special for me, too-"

"-but..."

"I'm pregnant"  
----

Joey shook his head in dismay and bit his bottom lip. "Okay, don't freak out on me...but it's Emily."

"What? What about her?" Ross paced up and down the trail between the bathroom and the kitchen.

"Well, okay. Here's what happened," Phoebe began. "You know that number she left us? To her uncle's house?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Well, it's a fake number," Joey ended abruptly.

Rachel pretended to be amazed. "Well how did you know that?"

Joey shook his head apologetically at Ross. "It's the number to the pizza place I order from every Friday."

Ross searched the room with hurt in his eyes. "That doesn't mean anything! It's...just a coincidence. Maybe she did it on accident."

"That's what I said," Phoebe nodded along, "until I found this." As Rachel's eyes widened, she pulled out the infamous tape of Colin's conversation with Emily.

"What's that?"

"A tape of Emily...talking to Colin. Her ex. Dude, I'm so sorry." Joey walked across the room and tried to comfort his friend.

"Did you...listen to it?"

"Yes." Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel all looked at each other. Each one had just uttered yes, proving to Ross that they all had known about Emily's possible affairs.

"All of you did?"

"I found it," said Phoebe. "And then I made Rachel listen to it. And Joey did after her."

"Oh." How could she be cheating on him? Emily, the stable one. Emily, the sweet English girl who enjoyed visits to the countryside and staying with her uncle. "So, I guess there's no uncle, huh?"

"Sorry, sweetie." Rachel sat beside Ross, resisting the urge to comfort him with her kisses. Had he forgotten what had almost happened outside the apartment?

"So...what now?" Joey had never been the subtle one, and he wanted to know how Ross was going to deal with this situation.

"I guess I'll have to talk to Emily when she gets back."

"Well, that's not for another four days, right?" Rachel self-consciously brushed a lock of hair out of her eyes.

Phoebe took a deep breath, not wanting to admit this next piece of knowledge. "That's the other thing...Emily called here about an hour ago. She's on her way back...she should be here in about an hour."

Ross looked over at Rachel, seeing the hurt flash in her eyes. "Thanks, guys. I don't know what I'm going to do...Hey, Rach. Come outside for a minute. I want to talk to you."

She followed in his footsteps one by one, tracing the patterns of the worn linoleum as she traipsed.

Once outside the apartment, Ross shut the door. "You knew about Emily this whole night?"

She fidgeted nervously. "Well, sort of."

"Sort of?" He looked at her inquisitevely. "You listened to the tape."

"Yeah. I did." She looked down at the floor in shame. "And the whole time I was wondering how she could do this to you."

"Was it bad? The tape, I mean. Are you sure she cheated on me?"

"Well, she did keep referencing to 'one night' they had had not too long ago. But, Ross, you should listen to it."

"I don't want to."

"But you should. She's your wife. You need to talk to her and find out what really happened. She'll tell you, Ross." Rachel couldn't believe the words she was saying, but then again, she knew that once Ross found out what Emily did...he would leave her for good.

"I just can't believe she would do this."

"I'm so sorry, Ross," she said as she stepped in closer towards him. "I mean-"

"Stop. Don't apologize for her." With that, he kissed her fiercely on the lips, wanting to forget their past and his future. All he cared about was then, now, the moment he had been waiting for all night.

Rachel ran her fingers through his hair, down his back, and towards his face again. When she finally pulled away, his face was bright red.

"God, Rach, I shouldn't have-"

"Shhh..."

"But I'm married." His voice was high and frantic, realizing what he had done.

"It was just a kiss, Ross."

"I know...but still. What if we were wrong about her cheating?"

"We weren't."

He stared into her eyes. Her eyes: he knew them so well. The outlines of the middle, the flecks of colors that would play upon different surfaces in the dim lighting. He saw understanding, excitement, and hurt all sewn together into one expressive shade of blue.

He was ashamed for kissing her, but a part of him regretted pulling away so quickly. After all, there was still a little bit of her face he had left to kiss.

_'Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth  
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt  
Still a little hard to say what's going on_

_Still a little bit of your ghost your witness  
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed  
You step a little closer each day  
Still I can't say what's going on'_

Her emotions were everywhere, freefalling through the air like a cannonball. A part of her squealed out in delight._ 'Ross_ _just kissed me!'_ Yet another part, the mature, adult, part of her conscious recoiled._ 'He's married. This is just like when he cheated on you with Chloe. You're becoming the new Chloe when it comes to Ross and Emily. What if it's all a big misunderstanding, just like it was with you and Mark?'_

_'Stones taught me to fly  
Love taught me to lie  
Life taught me to die  
So it's not hard to fall  
When you float like a cannonball'_

For a moment, they stared at each other, neither knowing what to say. It was confusing, this complex game of love and betrayal.

"Do you really think she cheated on me?"

"I don't know, Ross. I mean, it all adds up...but it all added up that I cheated on you years ago."

"And you didn't."

"No. I didn't."

"But I did...God, I'm such a terrible person! Maybe this is what I deserve, Emily cheating on me. Maybe she'll hurt me in the way I hurt you."

"But that's not fair! You shouldn't have to be hurt by her. You don't need to be hurt as badly as I was."

The impact of her words, whether intentional or not, hit him like a cannonball. He always knew he had hurt her, but sometimes he forgot how badly she must have felt. "I'm sorry, Rach...for hurting you."

She smiled sadly, realizing that for once, she had to accept it. "That's okay, Ross. I think we can all be adults now, whether we're ready or not. Love comes and goes, but friendship stays." Her heart was breaking with each word that denied her present love for him. "I'm glad you're in New York."

"Me too."

"Are you going to go back? You know...if we're right about everything?"

"I don't know....I just don't know anymore."

Rachel looked at her watch. Emily would be there in twenty minutes. "Well, hey, that's okay. Half the time I don't know anything."

He smiled back at her. "Sometimes I think none of us know what we're doing here."

"You know, she probably didn't cheat on you," Rachel lied through her teeth. She didn't know if it was better to make him feel better or to tell him the truth and break his heart.

"I hope not...but that helped me, Rach."

She nodded back, wishing she didn't have to be so damn respectful of his marriage, whether in jeapordy or not. She wanted to grab him like he had done to her...she wanted to wish back all of the pain and kiss away his agony. And most of all, she wanted to tell him how she really felt.

Ross headed back into Joey and Chandler's apartment, contemplating the fate of his marriage, and Rachel followed him. Each wondered what was in store for them as far as life went. Yet when they tried to imagine, neither knew.

_'Stones taught me to fly  
Love taught me to cry  
So come on courage!  
Teach me to be shy  
'Cause it's not hard to fall  
And I don't WANNA scare her  
It's not hard to fall  
And I don't wanna lose  
It's not hard to grow  
When you know that you just don't know'_

**_I hope somebody liked this chapter! lol._**

**_Mel_**


	11. I can't make you love me

_**Wow, thanks, guys, for all the reviews! I moved past 100! Yay! lol. ;) Please let me know what you think of this chapter, and, dare I say it, I think it's almost over! **_

**_Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, nor the song by Bonnie Raitt._**

_'Turn down the lights turn down the bed.  
Turn down these voices inside my head.'_

Flashing buttons taunted Emily as she waited for the elevator to arrive at her floor. She didn't feel like taking the stairs for some reason, and no one ever used the elevator.

In a way, Emily liked to compare herself to the likes of the elevator: both were unwanted, occasionally broken, and before used.

_'Oh, shut up. Don't throw yourself a pity party!' _She sighed and leaned heavily on the back of the door, watching herself warily in a mirror she had just noticed. Tattered brown hair, wispy from the wind, pale brown eyes that hardly shined, tear stains- partly from relief and a portion from grief- and a mouth that always seemed pulled towards the ground._ 'God, I look like I've been run over by a car!'_ Taking a brush out of her purse, she frantically ran the dull edges of the comb through her hair, trying to make a good appearance again on Ross.

A part of her was nervous about seeing him again; she'd only been away for a few days, yet it seemed equivalent to a lifetime.

Emily sighed remorsefully, as she knew very well that when she returned, Ross would have to find out where she was...and what she'd been doing.

_'It's not like I cheated on him or anything,' _she reasoned. _'I actually did quite the opposite.'_ But that didn't deny the fact that she _had_ slept with Colin after they were married. So, technically, she did cheat on him, just not on that particular visit. _'God, I'm an awful person. What kind of wife am I, cheating on my husband? This isn't who I am.'_

The elevator chimed, and Emily knew she had to get off. She lagged behind, however, for a few extra moments, gaining her composure and solace, not able to shake the image of his face lighting up when he announced he was taking Rachel to the opera. _'I know I haven't been the greatest wife, but why should I live in her image constantly? Is it too much to ask him to love me again? I'm not the horrible person everyone will think I am.'_

As Emily tapped the door ever so lightly, she wondered if she even knew who she was.  
-

"Chandler?" Monica pressed on his arm, urging him to speak. "Did you hear what I said?"

It hit him like a brick and stole his breath away. "You're..."

"Pregnant."

He reflected in silence, contemplating what she had said. It wasn't supposed to end like this, no not like this at all. He was freefalling through the memories of his life.

At age five, he was riding his bike up a winding road, his father chasing after him. He suddenly was nine, and his parents were divorcing. Chandler was alone, scared, and tempted by the fates of evil. At twenty-two, he was moving in a new apartment in a new building, in a new city. The world was whitewashed in a batch of fresh paint, and the scent of it made him high on life, but it was good.

And now...Chandler could just tell that this would be one of those memories that stuck in his mind for the rest of his life. Most importantly, his relationship with Monica depended on his reaction. _'Don't screw this up, Chandler. Don't show her how afraid you are. Don't tell her what you're thinking.'_

Nervously, Monica gnawed at her nails, her heart doing a rhythmic tap-dance. "Um, Chandler?"

"Right. Wow. Pregnant." One word answers would have to suffice.

"So...what are you thinking right now?"

Damn. She would have to ask that, among many other questions. He used to chide her back when they were friends- they were still friends, weren't they- that she was the queen of questions. There was not a doubt in Chandler's mind that she was also the queen of surprises. "What am I thinking?" He repeated, not even knowing what he was thinking.

"Are you upset?" She looked so small, so feeble, not like the Monica he knew. She slowly moved a lock of fallen hair from her face, curling up into a ball on the couch. She moved closer to the corner and farther from him. She tried again, her tone reaching barely above a whisper, "Are you upset?"

At this, he couldn't help but smile. "Of course not. Come here," he reached for her hand and guided her across the couch. Monica moved in nearer, making her body mold with his. She sighed deeply, several tears escaping from her eyes.

"I was so afraid you'd be angry," she choked out, looking up at him with such honesty it scared him. "I mean, we didn't intend for this to happen, huh?" Sniffing, she reached for a tissue. "I'm just glad you're not freaking out because I probably would have lost it."

"No, everything is fine," he lied. He loved Monica- as a friend. What he felt towards her now, Chandler didn't know. Having never felt love before, he didn't know what to expect._ 'If love makes you nauseous, makes you want to run off a cliff in the middle of a tornado, urges you to kill yourself because you don't know what's going on...well, I may be in love!'_ He silently laughed in spite of himself.

After several minutes, Monica pulled her head up, gazing at Chandler with a look he'd never seen from her before- adoration. "So, in like eight months or so, it'll be you, me, and a little baby, huh?"

His eyes widened as all air supply left him. "Uh...huh." He smiled weakly as she hugged him tighter. A million questions flooded his mind:_ Where was this going? Are we friends, or something more? Did that night make us officially a couple?_ "But, Mon, don't you think that we're a little...young to be having a baby?"

Laughing, she grinned. "Chandler, we're adults now, though. It's scary to think about it, but we're headed for midlife."

"Having a baby changes everything": Chandler distinctly remembered the commercial that made him hyperventilate. _'Having a baby...I'm having a baby. Shit, I'm like the guy on the commercial playing with his son. I'm going to have a kid...I still am a kid.'_

Her words rang in his ears, "We're adults now!"

Reassuring her with an enthusiastic nod, Chandler couldn't help but wonder: When had his real life started?  
-

The knock resounded all throughout Joey and Chandler's apartment. Joey, Phoebe, Ross and Rachel all looked at one another knowingly before Ross went to open the door.

And there she was, looking slightly guilty, tired, and unmistakably older. "Hi," Emily whispered, wondering why everyone was so quiet, watching her arrive wasn't that great of a spectacle.

"Hey," Ross said and pulled her into his arms. The stoic hug matched his feelings, and Emily could sense that something was astray. "I'm glad you're back."

"Me too." She smiled, needing to tell him what she had been doing. "Hi everyone," nodded Emily, acknowledging the presence of Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel, of course. Rachel was always there, whether in Ross's subconscious or in the actual room, Emily could never shake her away. Wherever Emily was, she merely trotted in footsteps Rachel had created years before.

"Hi," smiled Joey and Phoebe, trying to eradiate indifference.

Rachel simply waved, a gesture that she didn't even want to give to Emily. What kind of woman would cheat on her husband? What kind of woman would cheat on Ross?

"So, should we go back to Monica's?" Emily really needed to talk to Ross.

"Uh, sure." He wondered why she was so intent on being alone with him. Ross didn't want to know what she had been doing, he didn't want to feel the hurt he'd been feeling and know if it all was true.

They left Joey and Chandler's apartment only to walk in on Monica and Chandler talking.

"Hey, Ross," Chandler jumped up urgently. "Ross is here, Mon, what do you say we go to the coffee house?"

Monica appeared from behind the couch, her face slightly tearstained, but her voice was strong. "Sure, Chandler. I'm right behind you."

And they left, leaving Emily and Ross in an uncomfortable silence.

"Wow, everyone sure is acting weird, huh?" Emily laughed nervously.

"Yeah, tell me about it." He sat down on the still-warm couch, Emily settling in beside him. "So, how was your visit to your uncle's?"

His eyes twinkled suspiciously, Emily noted. Perhaps it was just the lighting in the apartment for it was dark and the lights were dim, but she was sure she sensed sarcasm. "Oh, it was fine. Just fine," she blatantly lied.

"That's good," he shrugged, somewhat indifferently. He would wait for her to confess, but only if he had the patience.

"Yes. It was good. How was the opera?" Emily noticed his face flush a deep red. "Did you and Rachel enjoy yourselves?" This time, it was Emily that spat the sarcasm.

"Yeah. It was a lot of fun."

"That's nice." The silence between them hung low in the air, it could be cut with a knife that possessed the dullest of blades.

"So what did you do at your uncle's place?" Ross asked his question, and Emily gulped._ 'This is it. Just tell him.'_ Yet as she looked in his eyes, she saw something she had never seen before. It was a mixture of raw trust and betrayal, a paradox of emotions that tore at her soul. _'If you tell him now, you'll break this poor man's heart.'_

_'Just tell me now, Em. I'll believe you. Say anything. Tell me you're cheating on me and don't love me anymore, tell me this is the end. Tell me you want to hurt me and tell me that I wasn't good enough for you. Tell me you still love him, and that will be that. I won't mind. Just tell me._' He silently pleaded, wishing the whole ordeal was over.

_'Ross,'_ she silently thought to herself._ 'Why are we together? Do you really love me? I see the way you light up when you talk about her...talk about Rachel. And then I know. There never was room for me, was there?' She rested her head on the inside of his shoulder, a gesture of friendship rather than love. 'God, Ross, I love you so much. But I need to know and I need to tell you. And I don't have the strength to do either right now.'_

"Let's talk about it tomorrow," Emily whispered, turning the only source of light- a small beaded lamp- off. The room was drenched in darkness and the two liked it better that way.

Ross nodded and then realized that she couldn't see him. "Okay. We'll talk about it tomorrow."

In the darkness, he sensed she was crying, yet he felt no urge to comfort her. If she did indeed cheat on him, why would he want to soothe her aching cries?

He thought back to the conversation he and Rachel shared not twenty minutes ago:

_"Do you really think she cheated on me?"_

_"I don't know, Ross. I mean, it all adds up...but it all added up that I cheated on you years ago."_

_"And you didn't."_

_"No. I didn't."_

_"But I did...God, I'm such a terrible person! Maybe this is what I deserve, Emily cheating on me. Maybe she'll hurt me in the way I hurt you."_

_"But that's not fair! You shouldn't have to be hurt by her. You don't need to be hurt as badly as I was."_

_The impact of her words, whether intentional or not, hit him like a cannonball. He always knew he had hurt her, but sometimes he forgot how badly she must have felt. "I'm sorry, Rach...for hurting you."_

_'Why do we all hurt each other? Why does our love always turn into heartache?_' He pounded on the pillow behind him, trying not to disturb Emily.

He cared about Emily, really, he did. Yet he still cared about Rachel. Love was complicated and knotted his heart in a maze of confusion. He had hurt Rachel, and now Emily may have hurt him. _'How's that for karma?'_ Bitterly, he thought back to the one night he had cheated on Rachel.

It was so out of character for him, so unlike Ross. He had loved Rachel more than anyone in the world, yet everyone makes mistakes. A part of him wondered if he could forgive Emily for hers and still love her as much as he once thought he did.

_'I'm sorry, Ross. I'm so, so sorry. Please try to forgive me,'_ she silently pleaded, pressing her head tighter into his shoulder.

Outside, rain began to pound at the roof as lightning rang across the piercingly black sky. No stars shone for light. Emily choked back sobs when she realized something that ripped at her heart the way the lightning did at the March New York skyline.

She couldn't make him love her.

_'Lay down with me, tell me no lies  
Just hold me close, don't patronize  
Don't patronize me.  
Cause I can't make you love me  
__if you don't  
You can't make your heart feel  
something it won't  
Here in the dark, in these final hours  
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power  
But you won't, no you won't  
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't._

_-_

_**Okay, please let me know what you think. One or two more chapters should do it for this one. :)**_

_**If you feel like it (and are a Mondler fan) go check out my new fic Hard Candy. :) After this and Love at First Sight (almost done) are over, I'll be coming out with new R/R fics, never fear. ;)**_

_**Please review!**_

_**Mel**_


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